Today, the White House announced the “army of one” would share more about his rock-paper-scissors strategy in a Rose Garden speech. Because President Obama is decisive and stuff.

Syri-ous You Guys.

Will the details be “just muscular enough not to get mocked“? Maybe we’ll find out … if he ever shows up.

Hey, when Jay-Z calls, the president is gonna take it, OK?

Editor’s note: This post has been updated with additional tweets.