Americans are often criticized for being self-interested, but you can’t blame the country recently for its preoccupation with the party primaries. With presidential candidates dominating the news, it seemed like no one even noticed that Vice President Joe Biden and Secretary of State John Kerry had slipped out of the country to attend the World Economic Forum in Davos, Switzerland.

We’re used to hearing utter nonsense emanate from Biden, but it’s a bit of a relief to know that other countries have set up the equally wise in positions of power. Much like Hillary Clinton’s web page listing her greatest accomplishments, the World Economic Forum put up its own web page of the 36 best quotes from Davos 2016. We’re not sure why they didn’t go ahead and print a 36-month inspirational calendar and release it straight to the $5 bargain bin at Walmart.

The Onion, or maybe Hallmark. We just can’t get over this Hollywood Squares-style collage with will.i.am — “musician and philanthropist” — featured front and center. Yes, the composer of classics such as “My Humps” and “Sumthin’ for that Ass” shared his unique outlook on the 21st century dream.

will-i-am-davos

 

Let’s put our optimism goggles on and then discuss mankind’s destruction of the planet.

sharan-burrow-davos

So the unemployed shouldn’t fret over that job search, then?

justin-trudeau-davos

Oh, Canada.

John Kerry forgot to write a speech and just stole lines from “Terminator 2.”

john-kerry-davos

 

  • Comrade Hadenov

    What?! No “There is no I in team?” Slackers. Want to have fun if you hear some cow-orker spout that line? Tell them, “but there is an M and E!”

    • rick

      It is kinda fun,innit?

    • bil_g

      • alanstorm

        It’s in the “A”‘s hole.

      • bendandpeel

        The A-hole is plainly visible as well…there’s one in every team.

        • Tessa from Texas

          Sometimes these days there is more than one.

    • Aparition42

    • swg

      There’s no “we” either! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3BkIh1R5utY

    • TexSizzle

      If you’re allowed to re-use a letter, there is “Eat Me”.

  • Antisocial_ism

    If the road less traveled were traveled more, then the road most traveled now would be a better road to travel in the future.
    There’s my contribution to that mental masturbation circle jerk.
    Netanyahu being the sole exception.

  • rick

    For years,I’ve been telling my fellow Canucks(I really shouldn’t have to,should I?)that Trudeau II is a puffball-now he’s bragging it to the world.

    • rogleecam

      Rob Ford for Prime Minister! /s

  • Ty in TX ✓ᵇᵒⁿᶦᶠᶦᵉᵈ

    “No matter where you go, there you are.”

    • bunnehbooboo

      My feet are my Oldsmobiles…oh, look, convertibles….

    • bil_g

      “Even Napoleon had his Watergate.”

      • Kevin Giltrud

        Thank you, Norm Crosby.

    • interestedobserver2

      “Where you sit is where you stand!”

      “Attitude equals Altitude!”

      • Kevin Giltrud

        “Home is where you hang your head!”

        *John Worfin: ‘Buckaroo Banzai’*

        • TexSizzle

          Groucho Marx said it before Dr. Lizardo did.

  • marcus tullius cicero

    …In the end…

    • Sanchez

      That was from the last State of the Union speech.

      • Tessa from Texas

        Not a big enough pile to be that.

  • rick

    Geez,at least bedbugs don’t lecture you that it’s for your own good.The Obama(spit!)’s are clearly not the only parasitic species on Earth.

  • LucienCordier

    Here’s one I like.

    • Jeff Henderson ✓Bona Fide

      Absolutely. It was what we did to Naziism and Japanese Imperialism. We did not have to kill them all, just destroy their hope that they could win. We must do the same to Islam.

      • LucienCordier

        We don’t have to kill them all. Just a lot of them.

        • Jeff Henderson ✓Bona Fide

          And demolish their institutions of power.

          • Michael the white suburbanite

            I just read the President is going to visit one

          • Jeff Henderson ✓Bona Fide

            Good time to do it then. Did I say that?

          • Girl who talks with her claws

            2 birds with one stone?

        • oldshortfatboy

          How about most of them?

      • verbena

        And i guarantee the rest of these clowns despised his (Bibi’s) attendance..

    • Girl who talks with her claws

      I prefer a more active approach. Squash such “extremism” before it can claim the lives & freedoms of millions of people.

  • Sanchez

    Optimism goggles or? You choose.

  • http://www.nleomf.org/officers/heroes-behind-the-badge/heroes-behind-badge-sacrifice-survival.html Meatzilla ✓ᴵᴿᴿᴱᴰᴱᴱᴹᴬᴾᴸᴼᴿᴬᴮᴸᴱ

    Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

  • Jeff Henderson ✓Bona Fide

    Men make much better feminists than women.

    • bunnehbooboo

      Men make better women than women

    • MoxieLouise1

      Just ask Caitlyn.

  • bunnehbooboo

    Talk about kabuki theater…sheesh

  • Dwayne Mountain Dew Camacho

    What?

    No one said “Diversity is strength”

    Or other such non-sense.

    P.S. (Diversity means division…unity means strength)

    • LucienCordier

      Well, this guy came close.

      • Dwayne Mountain Dew Camacho

        How did I know …a guy like that would be the one to say it.

        • Acuda4me ✓Please!

          At least he hid the man bun.

      • interestedobserver2

        Why does he look like his face got pushed sideways?

        • LucienCordier

          Maybe it’s because his worldview is so warped.

        • Gregor Eisenstein

          Remnants of an epic b-slap.

      • Aparition42

        I hear versions of this one a lot at work, but for some reason they only talk about diversity of skin color. Diversity of thought will not be tolerated. What difference does it make to have twenty different skin colors and five different “genders”, if they all think the same?
        Groupthink and consensus are the real enemies of invention.

    • Paul V

      There was a teacher in a nearby “city” that kept pushing this idiotic line about diversity. We had a short exchange in the local paper about this and after two or three exchanges, he gave up. One of his former students stopped me one day and thanked me for pointing out his vapid reasoning and telling me that I had said everything he wished he could have said in the class. Diversity doesn’t mean strength and it can be a good thing, but it is not by itself an asset.

    • UsedtobeaDemocrat

      The major semiconductor company I worked for (and retired from) had this crap posted all over the place. “Diversity is our strength” posters were everywhere. This was a company that once prided itself on being a meritocracy, but apparently once it became unfailingly profitable, enormous sums could be wasted on silly stuff and on having race, color and gender trump competency. Interestingly, diversity only seemed to be a strength in the US facilities. I didn’t notice any effort to diversify the workforces in China, Japan, Mexico, India, or anywhere else.

  • drw

    As the world burns the effeminate elite gather to spew platitudes and congratulate each other on their superiority over the common rabble. A circle jerk, a “Oh, I’d be happy to suck on that for you, my friend, it seems inflamed and perhaps one day you’ll return the favor” gathering of the me before thee crowd.
    Where oh where is the well placed lightening bolt when you need it?

  • MarciaTheMurkyMuse? Variegated

    What time is the next Mother Ship shuttle?

    • genes ✓ᵛᵉʳᶦᶠᶦᵉᵈ ᵈᵉᵖˡᵒʳᵃᵇˡᵉ
      • LucienCordier

        Diaper Man died in 2010. I wonder if they buried him in his diaper.

    • Aparition42

      Forget the mother ship, this calls for the “B”Ark.

  • MoxieLouise1

    “There are no jobs for workers on a dead planet…”????? If the planet is dead, won’t we all go with it? How are there still job hunters alive??

    • MarciaTheMurkyMuse? Variegated

      Even so, Bernie will be handing out Free Stuff somewhere. Count on it.

    • drw

      It needn’t make sense. As long as it contains the proper words it’s considered brilliant….

      • MoxieLouise1

        I keep forgetting…left is right…up is down…good is bad…

      • Arttie the Deplorable

        Where is Maya Angelou for some erudition when we need her?

    • verbena

      If there were one Liberal man and one Liberal woman left on the planet. The first thing they would do would be open an abortion clinic…..

  • Newportcarl

    Insipid, said Pooh

    • Arttie the Deplorable

      Omit the comma and said.

      • Newportcarl

        And the ‘H’ ?

        • Arttie the Deplorable

          Without saying, omit Kankles, definitely.

    • UsedtobeaDemocrat

      Hilarious.

  • Karla1953
    • Tessa from Texas

      Posting this again–now that is just brain battering pure and simple. Plus just looking at Killary hurts my eyes.

      • Karla1953

        Well……………..they did say gobbledygook,,,,,,,,,,,but I do apologize to you Tessa………………:-)

        • Tessa from Texas

          Apology accepted–your warning did give me a chance to think about going to my “safe space” so I do have to blame myself for not following through. But for the future, just remember that we all have a right not to be offended by anything and that does mean anything.

  • HENCHMAN 0804

    I have fallen and can’t get up.

    Hillary, because they pay me stupid.

  • ee1774

    I’d like to contribute:
    “You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil is always lead.”

    • Arttie the Deplorable

      Unless it is in the water in Flint.

    • alanstorm

      “You can lead a horticulture, but you can’t make her think.”

      Dorothy Parker

      • Tessa from Texas

        One of my all-time favs. Thanks for the reminder.

      • Girl who talks with her claws

        Reminds me of an old Norwegian joke:
        Lars: “Hey Ole, is that Hortense over there?”
        Ole: “I don’t know, she looks pretty relaxed to me.”

  • Arttie the Deplorable

    If you live a long time, you will be old and if you have a $#!t load of money you’ll be Kankles. Dad used to say rich.

  • LucienCordier

    And the keynote speaker…

  • MoxieLouise1

    “Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.”
    –Oscar Wilde

  • mrspinky85

    Some of you guys didn’t read this with your optimism glasses on. Maybe if you buy them from that same magical place that liberals believe money comes from everything will turn out just a okay.

    • bil_g

      Found it. It’s where ice cream comes from.

  • mrspinky85

    When you wish upon a star that is closest to you heart than dreams can turn into the reality that benefits us all.

  • mrspinky85

    When you focus on the current moment and not the long path of the journey the short steps you take will not seem so hard to do.

  • mrspinky85

    if you define success as just waking up in the morning and doing the best in you own reality than you have already reached your life’s destination. No need to fret over that missed train others want you on.

  • mrspinky85

    if you lower the yard sticker that you have to jump over to succeed the work is easier and thus you can achieve it quickly to move on to the next task at hand.

  • mrspinky85

    A closed hand cannot reach out for freebies.

    • Tessa from Texas

      This is my favorite! BTW, I am only back posting after being absent a few weeks–great new photo you have–smiling is contagious.

    • Adam Wood

      LOL! The best so far.

  • LinTaylor ✓vitrified

    These sound like the kinds of things Dilbert’s pointy-haired boss would say.

    • mrspinky85

      I love Dilbert!!!

    • Askwatch

      Or- are they kind, like the sound of things Dilbert’s pointy-haired boss would say?

  • Dan Abbett

    Ha, my quote puts them all to shame: “I am the wait I am one-ing for.” Pretty cool huh?

  • mrspinky85

    When optimism and good will marry with merry they birth success and plant the seed for independence in a loving relationship that’s unstoppable.

    • NRPax

      OK, you’re using some kind of inspirational saying generator, aren’t you?

  • Jim Collins

    The Onion has better writers than that.

  • Askwatch

    Saturday is Friday’s tomorrow, but soon becomes Sunday’s yesterday.

  • Girl who talks with her claws

    I hope they had tile floors, naugahyde chairs & lots of mops around because I get the feeling this event was all about seeing who could get the rest of the crowd to ooh, ahh and piddle the most with their deep thoughts.
    Sitting around, in a place most of us can’t afford to go, eating food we can’t afford to try, and soaking up each others’ awesomeness.

  • bendandpeel

    …and most of these people thought W was dumb…

  • NRPax

    This reminds me of some of the deep philosophical discussions in my dorm room a third of the way through the second bottle.

    • UsedtobeaDemocrat

      Heh! No kidding. We wuz deep.

      • NRPax

        Weren’t we though? The sad part was that after we sobered up, we couldn’t quite remember the ideas we had but dammit, they were good ones!

  • NRPax

    I suppose this is a step up from when one of the people there accused US troops of targeting journalists for assassination.

  • JV

    Pseudo intellectualism on display

    They think they’re the smartest people because they say so …

    And, what they spew makes themselves “FEEL” smart n stuff. /sarc

  • Tyrconnell

    I gotta admit, the one about needing less regulation and more innovation wasn’t bad.

    • NRPax

      The fact that it was a European saying it was stunning. I expect that the person is going to be burned at the stake.

  • Dan13

    Follow your dreams unless your dreams tell you the individual is more important than the collective.

  • Name

    I’m in for the minister of silly walks…..

  • objectivefactsmatter

    The Onion is behind the New World Order.

    Now it all makes sense.

  • UsedtobeaDemocrat

    “…We need an Internet of Women.” LOL!

  • Frustrated Teacher

    THe one by the Prime Minister of Norway is about a moronic as they get, “We will never manage to reach climate targets if we don’t create social awareness in the world”….WOW….just stupid! Norway may be worse than us at picking leaders…

    • Frustrated Teacher

      Another good one is “The best antidote to hate is tolerance”….except of those horrible Christians and their values…and anyone who disagrees with US.

      • Frustrated Teacher

        Another jewel, “The higher you build the wall the more you empower the smuggler” – said in a meeting where EVERYONE lives behind high walls with LOTS of security! But we can’t have that….

    • bil_g

      I’m reminded of the ten rules of the Law of Jante:

      You’re not to think you are anything special.
      You’re not to think you are as good as we are.
      You’re not to think you are smarter than we are.
      You’re not to convince yourself that you are better than we are.
      You’re not to think you know more than we do.
      You’re not to think you are more important than we are.
      You’re not to think you are good at anything.
      You’re not to laugh at us.
      You’re not to think anyone cares about you.
      You’re not to think you can teach us anything.

  • Arttie the Deplorable

    Fatuous twaddle

  • Girl who talks with her claws

    I wish to dazzle the elites with my verbal gems (related to climate change, of course):
    “If not for pollution, we would have no purpose in life”
    “The earth would be happiest without any humans to soil it. Present company excepted”
    “Never play leapfrog with a unicorn”

  • http://nukemars.com/ RWA

    Obviously, the conference was dedicated to the memory of Yogi Berra.

  • Girl who talks with her claws

    “Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend.
    Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.”
    Deep thought from Groucho Marx (I think)
    Waaay more insightful than the brain farts listed above.

  • wrestlefan01

    when i read the headline i couldnt help but think of wwf’s gobbledy gooker

  • Acuda4me ✓Please!

    “It is what it is.”

  • wrestlefan01

    i could totally see obama saying this as well

    • Dinobot

      Sorry dude, I’m a guy and feminism is dead to me. I prefer old fashioned chivalry

      • Ken3690

        If “feminist” is such a vaunted term, could I refer to myself as a “masculinist” without being flamed.

    • The_Kat ✓vilified

      Was Canada high on election day to let this chump in as PM? Apparently they don’t teach history there otherwise they would have known his dad was the worst PM Canada ever had.

  • ReeFungorio

    I almost made my Mom cry today. I asked her, “when you were my age, did you think this is what America would be like?”

    It’s really sad to me that both of my elderly parents have told me separately: “At least I won’t be around when it all hits the fan.”

  • Gregor Eisenstein

    So he’s got his optimism goggles on…are those his pretension scarf and hypocrisy cap?

  • bil_g
    • Dinobot

      The best antidote to hate is the truth and the best way to prevent hate is free speech. Problem is, Facebook is a poor stewart of both.

    • The_Kat ✓vilified

      I think that is AFTER the liberals wipe out all their opponents.

    • unknown

      Except tolerance of thought especially if one’s thoughts clashes with the collective’s

  • bil_g

    Social fairness?! You first, Erna.

  • bil_g
    • Dinobot

      Acting is not a humanizing profession because you only have to pretend to be that somebody else. Real humanizing professions often deal with life and death and there are no scripts, director’s cuts or intermission with consequences are often permanent or even fatal

      • Girl who talks with her claws

        And the pay for being a real person isn’t nearly as good.

      • bil_g

        Loving your responses.

  • bil_g
    • Dinobot

      Sorry, don’t like T-800s, T-888s,T-1000s and other Terminators in the battlefield that you can’t control.

      • Kopernicus

        Someone should photoshop Awrnowld into that pic.

    • The_Kat ✓vilified

      And put into the hands of what? Monkeys? Robots? Space aliens? *snickers*

  • Kevin Giltrud

    Jeebus!

    It’s Deja Vu all over again!

    I guess the 60’s never really did die after all.

  • Tessa from Texas

    Calling Al Gore…lots of hot air coming out of Davos and contributing mightily to global warming.

  • Tessa from Texas

    Did I miss something? Did SNL bring back “Deep Thoughts from Jack Handey”?”
    On 2nd thought, I take that back because his thoughts made more sense than these.

  • Ken3690

    A parade of banalities.

    These people don’t think. They schmooze.

    All the depth of Goldie Hawn.

  • Kopernicus

    Just created the next generation of memes where the rest of us can laugh at these fools for the next 10 years.

    Thanks.

  • DadofSJ

    Top 36 . . .
    . . . as in “BEST” . . .
    Hate to see what DIDN’T make the cut!

  • The_Kat ✓vilified

    My mind must have special powers because it can’t be read illegally either.

  • The_Kat ✓vilified

    I take it there was plenty of free liquor flowing at this event.

    • Bruce

      Not to mention, quite a few illegal substances…

  • Kenton Clarkson

    “We are all interested in the future because that is where you and I will be spending the rest of our lives” – Edward D Wood “Plan 9 From Outer Space”
    When libpukes make LESS sense than Ed Wood…lol

  • Daniel Freeman

    The higher you build the wall, the more you empower the smugglers. — David Miliband, President, International Rescue Committee

    That’s like saying that the way to end rape is to stop saying no; it’s technically true, yet a vile sentiment nonetheless.

  • Fingolfin

    Hey a few of those were good. Did anyone else see the Pres of Afghanistan quote?

  • unknown

    I’ll stick with this quote from someone who the world lost in 2015 https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/736x/63/0f/1b/630f1b3488269ef21744d40f2c287519.jpg

  • Bruce

    I’m sorry; since January, 2009, I’ve had to change the prescription for my “optimism goggles” more times than I care to say.