It’s Wednesday morning. Smoke billows from the charred remains of the United States Capitol. President Steven Chu reassures the nation that those who attacked us will be brought to justice … and that he’s going to paint America’s roofs white.

Don’t laugh, it could happen! Chu, a Nobel Prize winning physicist but often-mocked as Energy Secretary, is the “designated survivor” at tonight’s State of the Union address. As such, he will not attend the speech, and will become president in the event that the entire line of succession is horrifically wiped out. While we are sure that Chu is a nice man, he’s probably best known for odd ideas like painting roofs white to reflect sunlight and halt climate change. Some say that as a brilliant scientist, he is probably best suited to academia rather than politics.

Then again, as a leading expert in lasers, President Chu might be better equipped than the current president to fight the extraterrestrial menace.

Aliens: please at least wait until tomorrow to attack Earth. Just one more day.