As Twitchy reported, President Obama and Afghan President Hamid Karzai have decided that the Taliban deserve an “office” in Doha, Qatar. And knowing how strict the Taliban can be, it’s important for future staff to be clear on the rules. Fortunately, some intrepid Twitterers managed to get a hold of the HR manual. Grab your tablets and chisels and copy all this down:

It’s a lot to take in, but with careful attention to detail and good memorization techniques, you could be well on your way to a plum job with the most dynamic company this side of the 11th century!

Just don’t forget to make out your will first.

  • GoSellCrazySomeplaceElse

    First question on employment application. When was your last jihad? Date and Sun Dial Direction.

  • Lisa Dean

    #TalibanOfficeRules Public beatings of women are at 1300 sharp.

    • R0nin

      Those arriving late shall have their pay docked. Females arriving late shall be stoned.

  • TugboatPhil

    #TalibanOfficeRules – Friday’s dress code is Casual Bomb Vests.

  • SpinMeNot

    #TalibanOfficeRules Beating your secretary is allowed; however the severity of the beating must be relative to the severity of the mistake. You may have up to four secretaries assuming you can afford to pay them, and beat them equally. Your secretaries must be at least 9 years of age.

  • Steve_J

    All those applying for postion of suicide bomber must first demonstrate a practical application of your technique.

  • Lord Foggybottom

    The Bat Phone

    The Bat Phone is that red, rotary phone (you know, that new kind, with the dial and the hole for your fingers) over by Jerry’s office. It is a direct line to Washington D.C. These are the rules covering the Bat Phone.

    1. When the Bat Phone rings, you answer it.
    2. The Bat Phone is not to be used for inter-cave communications; that’s not why it’s called the Bat Phone.
    3. When answering the Bat Phone, always say (in a cheery voice): Allahu Obama! or Allahu Barackbar! (that’s his favorite),
    4. The Bat Phone is not to be used for ordering hookers and opium. Or goats.
    5. If Mr. Obama calls directly, he prefers that you speak to him in Arabic.


  • walterc

    Raping of the female staff is strictly prohibited. It’s too difficult to train a replacement.

  • Ferducci

    Yeah, I’ll need you to go ahead and come in on Sunday too. We have to catch up on dead civilians beaten women.

  • Ferducci

    Yeah, It’s Bill Lumberg, if your there I just want to let you know we start killing at the regular time on Saturday. It’s not a half day or anything like that.

  • Ferducci

    How to kill friends and influence media.

  • Adela Wagner

    #TalibanOfficeRules Due to desiring a professional atmosphere at all times, we will not be implementing “Casual Burka Fridays”.