Gasping for breath! Halloween? More like Ha-LOL-ween. Iowahawk does it again with some oh-so-delicious mockery.

And with that, #Candycare was off and running. Take it away, Twitter!

Transitioning is all the rage!

And win:


We do too. Keep it coming, Twitter.

  • peteee363

    will I get federal assistance to pay for my bronze candycare? and is it true large candy retailers will no longer take my candycare card? is it also true peanut butter cups will be rationed?

    • j p✓ʳᵉᶠʳᶦᵉᵈ

      There will be panels, when the peanut butter cup stock gets low to means test you to be sure you support our party and deserve that peanut butter cup. You wouldn’t want us to waste them needlessly when quality of life is a reasonable determining factor. The quality of our lives that is.

    • rssllue

      What’s with the bronze, silver, and gold levels anyways? I thought this administration was all about fairness and equality. They should all be PARTICIPATION plans. One is NOT better than another so no different levels. Why does Obama hate so much?

      • 3seven77

        Because that’s what he does best.

  • therealguyfaux ✓ᵛᵉʳᶦᶠᶦᵉᵈ

    Thank goodness for mandatory pediatric dental.

  • j p✓ʳᵉᶠʳᶦᵉᵈ

    Your costume looks rather conservative to me. Empty your candy bag out on the counter so we can have a look at it. We know how many houses you visited. There wouldn’t be any home made treats in there by any chance would there?

    • Republicanvet

      …and if there is, the FDA SWAT team will have to conduct a full health inspection of their kitchen before you consume any of it.

      As a precaution and for your own good, your entire bag and contents will be confiscated.

      …don’t worry. You should have it back by April.

  • pinupartist

    Chicago Mugabe says you’re too dumb to know what candy you want, & anyway who wants free candy when you can PAY for what he thinks you should have instead…?

  • j p✓ʳᵉᶠʳᶦᵉᵈ

    And if you have 4 masks you can come back at least four times for a quadruple share of candy. Heck we won’t even notice if you wear the same mask 4 times. We won’t send you away, in fact we will show you how to get more free stuff. Here, steal this pumpkin.

    • 3seven77

      Hey this works just like voting!

  • j p✓ʳᵉᶠʳᶦᵉᵈ

    Of course you people will all get this wonderful candy that is up to our quality standards. Not good enough for us of course. We will be getting the finest confections known to man, but we assure you yours will be very very good.

    • ScaryCheri

      Swiss chocolate? do you have an account there?

  • j p✓ʳᵉᶠʳᶦᵉᵈ

    You say you only want the chocolate bars? I’m sorry you MUST accept the taffy too even if you don’t need it. We will find someone to pay for it if you don’t make any money (over the table).

  • Republicanvet

    The Secretary of CandyCare has just published new regulations in the federal register.

    Certain districts will be designated as CandyCare Zones. When going through these districts, you will be required to provide the residents of that district amounts of your candy gathered from other districts, as the Secretary shall determine.

    Reminder: Periodic spot checks and weighing of bags by our 16,000 new CandyCare agents will be used to insure compliance with this mandate.

  • Richard Wayne

    You mean nannies take your candy? Surely you jest…

  • LegalizeShemp

    Just had an Obamabar, light milk chocolate with plenty of nuts.

    • Jennifer

      And puffed (Susan) rice.

  • helena handbasket

    TV sitcoms would be 100% improved if Dave Burge was writing them.

  • Louise Uznanski

    Moochelle wants to see the day that everyone begs for veggies in place of candy. Looks like candy will be banned next year. Replacing it will be veggiecare. Eat up!

  • Emily B

    And you have to give a percentage of your candy to the people who were too lazy to go Trick-or-Treating. Otherwise it’s not fair. They deserve it.

  • Ted H.

    <— I am Big Government, and I approve this message

  • KayGee

    It’s as IF that super cheap Candy bag you’re trying to hold onto actually HAD any “Snickers” in it to begin with. Thats a premium candy, and in a pre-Candycare world, no $54 unsubsidized plan is expected to cover a trip to candyland for a bad case of the Snickers, or HersheyAttacks, or Candycer. Sounds like that junk-candy bag only covered two generic skittles a year, if that. Also, looks like it’s time to fire Greta Van Susteren for saying too much about it, AND on Fox no less!!!

  • arttie

    The PEZ O dispenser will be filled with deer pellets.

    • QWYS (Hydralisk of the Swarm)

      Guinea pig pellets would be less expensive, give us a larger profit margin.

      But seriously, I like the way you think. The American spirit of “see a business opportunity and go for it!” is strong in you.


    • 3seven77

      The pellets you can feed the deer? Or the pellets that come out *after* you feed the deer?

      • arttie

        The latter are free from the urban deer in my yard.

  • QWYS (Hydralisk of the Swarm)

    Wow, goody for me, the circus peanuts are my favorite and most affordable, can I get the URL to sign up for that plan pls ?

  • fili

    For heavens sake, don’t get a Payday candy bar…the government would have to take your whole candy bag, and tax you on it as well….:)

  • andycanuck

    And MichelleCare is giving out dried fruit… 10 times the sugar but it sounds healthier…

  • ScaryCheri

    You gave out the big snickers bars? I think the IRS Navigators need to talk to you. You obviously are not paying enough taxes if you can afford those

  • Kaya Hund

    “Kid, you’ve got too much candy in your bag! You don’t need all of that candy. You’re going to have to give it up for someone who doesn’t have any candy, like that fat, lazy kid over there who didn’t bother to go out trick-or-treating.”

  • NotaLemming

    Because of CandyCare My King Size Payday bar is now less than Funsize.

  • Jim Rasmussen

    “I’m sorry, your current bag plan has too many Snickers.” Yeah. snickers in more ways than one.

  • Crap Daddy

    Please see the handy form on the IRS website to determine the income you will be required to claim for the candy you received.

  • MoocherSux

    Reggie loves the obamabar with the creamy filling and nuts.