Funny?

In case you couldn’t stomach watching the video, it mocks Charlton Heston and gun owners, natch.

Tolerance! But Carrey is so much Smarter Than You, you see. And, you know, cowardly.

Some of the lyrics:

‘It takes a cold dead hand to decide to pull the trigger. It takes a cold dead heart, and as near as I can figure, with your cold dead aim, you’re trying to prove your [blank] is bigger. But we know: Your chariot may not be swingin’ low.

It also talks about how Charlton Heston couldn’t get to heaven because the angels couldn’t pry his gun out of his cold dead hand.

Classy.

As we reported, Jim Carrey announced the release of this song, ‘Cold Dead Hand’ by proclaiming it was for “heartless mothef**kers” who are “unwilling to bend for the safety of our kids.” Promoting oneself by exploiting tragedies? Totally not heartless, according to the “Dumb and Dumber” (emphasis on dumber) star.

Hypocrisy? No big whoop!

Carrey continued to pimp the song and video via Twitter all last night, while exposing his own hypocrisy.

A fan weighs in, after Carrey whined.

Believe in freedom and the Second Amendment? You don’t count. You are an “other,” you see.

The sane had a different take:

Indeed. There are other questions that remain unanswered, though. As Dana Loesch asked, “will you denounce your violence-glorifying film ‘Kick Ass 2’, Mr. Carrey?” Answer the question, Jim.

Update: He just can’t seem to help himself. The jackass is strong with this one.

Update: Greg Gutfeld slams.

Click here to see more of Gutfeld’s brilliant smackdown.

Update: You can now buy the song on iTunes. That’s right. For purchase: More profiting off of tragedy, Jim? No word yet if all proceeds go to charity.

And, a rough transcript of ‘Cold Dead Hand’ for those who can’t stomach the video. It is hurl-worthy:
MAN 1: Why did the ventriloquist quit drinking?

MAN 2:  Cause he acted like a real dummy.

HOST: Well hi-oh and howdy fine folks; welcome back to “Hee Haw.” We want to thank our special guest Charlton Heston (Jim Carrey) for joining us.

JIM CARREY (AS HESTON): Walter, It’s an absolute pleasure to be here in this site of God on “Hee Haw,” but who would be laughing if it weren’t for the patriots who answer the call of freedom …

HOST: Well I….

JIM CARREY (AS HESTON): The aliens, they would exploit our every weakness and suck the brains out of every living soul. They’d be laughing, but not like you and me. They’d go: [makes alien noises]

HOST: Well, we wanna leave you with the sweet as molasses sounds of a band I’m sure you’re all gonna like. Hens and roosters, lend an ear to Lonesome Earl and the Clutterbusters.

[Music begins].

JIM CARREY (AS EARL): Some folks ride like the wind
when the whisping pines do guide them,
and the burning light inside them
leaves them warm in the snow.

Others fear the sounds they hear,
make banditos out of mole hills,
fill their hearts with porcupine quills;
they’re dead and buried long before they go.

Charlton Heston movies are no longer in demand,
and his immortal soul may lay forever in the sand.
The angels wouldn’t take him up to heaven like he planned
’cause they couldn’t pry that gun from his cold dead hand.

JIM CARREY (AS HESTON): What did he say.

JIM CARREY (AS EARL): It takes a cold dead hand to decide to pull the trigger.
takes a cold dead heart, and as near as I can figure
with your cold dead aim you’re trying to prove your dick is bigger,
but we know: your chariot may not be swingin’ low.

Cold dead hand, cold dead hand
Cold dead hand, cold dead hand
You’re a big dick man with a little bitty gland
so you need something bigger just to fill your cold dead hand

JIM CARREY (AS HESTON): They’re making fun of everything I hold dear

JIM CARREY (AS EARL): Imagine if the Lord were here
and he knew what you’ve been thinkin’
would his sacred heart be sinkin’
into the canyon of dismay?

And on the ones who sell the guns
he’d stick the vultures and coyotes.
Only the devil’s true devotees
could profiteer from pain and fear.

Charlton Heston movies are no longer in demand,
and his immortal soul may lay forever in the sand.
The angels wouldn’t take him up to heaven like he planned
’cause they couldn’t pry that gun from his cold dead hand.

It takes a cold dead hand to decide to pull the trigger.
takes a cold dead heart, and as near as I can figure
with your cold dead aim you’re trying to prove your dick is bigger,
but we know: your chariot may not be swingin’ low.

JIM CARREY (AS ELLIOT): Hi, I’m Clearly Sam Elliot. Pay attention now braves, this boy’s got something to say, budding social satire; you couldn’t stand smooth. Enjoy the show. I’m a watch that sunset.

JIM CARREY (AS EARL): Cold dead hand, cold dead hand
Cold dead hand, cold dead hand
You’re a big dick man with a little bitty gland
so you need something bigger with a hairpin trigger.
You don’t wanna get caught with your trousers down
when a psycho killer comes around
So you make your home like a thunderdome
and you’re always packing everywhere you roam
but the psychos will no matter what you do
they’re gonna buy way more guns than you
And while you’re stumblin’ now to bed
They put five rounds in the back of your hair
and you get depressed [inaudible at ~5:00]
and you put your own shotgun in your mouth
And your kids walk in and they find you there
Like a headless lump in your underwear
And they move the gun and it kills them too
And your wife just doesn’t know what to do
So she takes a hand grenade from her shoe
And she pulls the pin

And it’s all on you, and your cold dead hand

[shotgun blast]

GIRL 1: Well what in the heck was that?

JIM CARREY (AS HESTON): I accidentally shot my foot off.

GIRL 2: Awww shoot. [crowd laughter]

Laughter. Unreal.

  • copperpeony

    @JimCarrey I met you as a sweet no name peddling your vids around Newmarket, Ont. I even have your 8×10 glossy. Now you’ve become Mr. Vile from Hollywood. U don’t understand liberty or what losing freedom is all about. Ur song is disgusting.

    • http://unseatHarper.ca/ Paul Bronfman

      I loved it.

  • V the K

    Conservative-bashing is the last refuge of the washed-up celebrity.

  • CatHerder

    Adding ‘can’t sing’ to the list of things he can’t do, like act or dance. Carrey is a one-trick pony and the rubber face is getting a mite stretched out. Pat Paulsen was funnier, and his whole gig was a stone faced stare.

  • forcryingoutloud

    Hey Jim, Michael Moore called and wants his irrelevance back

  • Liz Mosby

    WOW, USING FIRST AMENDMENT RIGHT TO BASH THE SECOND. There goes another Hollywood idiot I have lost all respect for.. These ppl live in a liberal fantasy playground.. They have no idea what the real world is.. NOT EVERYONE HAS BIG FAT BODYGUARDS TO PROTECT US JIM..

  • Conrad2010

    U R a stupid little man giving a stupid little opinion. And both mean nothing to anybody. Stop bugging people and go away.

  • Danny Wheeler

    How the mighty have fallen.

  • sleazyrider

    I’m sure it will be a hit on Chicago …Detroit …street corners everywhere ..

  • Stone Bryson

    I notice he posted it on the ‘Funny or Die” site. Since it was not funny, does that mean he should… um, die?

    Not saying anything, just following directions…

  • Steve_J

    Heston: Ben-Hur, The Ten Commandments. Carrey: Dumb and Dumber, Dumb and Dumberer.

    • Sherry

      Good one, Steve_J !!

    • Tomi Glover

      Those two movies!!! My gosh,you cant even describe them or compare them to anything today. Remember the fantastic chariots and those horses, those horses were the real deal, they really were running 6 abreast full speed with a chariot, the most beautiful horses in the world, it made you hold your breath at the edge of your seat. How dare he even go there with Heston, hes gonna find out real fast just how America feels about our real movie legends, and exactly how many gun owners are now really pissed off? The real comedy will be watching him try to get out of the huge hole hes dug, ha ha ha

  • Yeah I Said It

    I agree. No more guns. Lets start with the men guarding the president.

  • Scott Carroll

    Can I have the last 6 minutes of my life back?

  • grais

    Heston : WW II Navy gunner, Prez NRA, marched w/ Dr. King
    None of these ignorant goofballs knows anything other than “cold dead hands”
    low-info

  • des111168

    Know what else they can pry from my cold dead hand? Cash. Because not another dime will be spent on anything he’s involved with.

  • jasonmlehr

    “And they move the gun and it kills them too”
    My CCW class must not have touched on the type of gun that goes off when it’s “moved”.

  • Frustrated Teacher

    If he is going to compare himself to Charleton Heston….Carrey has a TOOTHPICK compared to the guy who did Ben-Hur and The 10 Commandments! Hey Jim…project much?

  • http://www.facebook.com/lisa.dean.564 Lisa Dean

    Hey @JimCarrey – thanks for showing your ass yet once again. #LowInformationDualCitizitenNotReleventSinceInLivingColorHack

    • John Thomas “Jack” Ward III

      OH, THE HUMANITY! ZING!! POW! BLAM!! Jawamax 8<{D}

  • http://twitter.com/rebelremembers Dom Addeo

    Very good points, but the over actor has not shown much discretion in
    what lines he has read in the past – I doubt he will start now. This is
    a guy after all that purportedly when in character has had people fired for not
    addressing him as such between scenes and off the set. He’s more possessed by his profession than performing it.

  • wyatt81

    It’s pathetic to watch someone happily self destruct this way. The fame and the money can’t cover up the seething personal issues and sickness, can it? It just goes proudly on parade for all of us to see.

  • John Thomas “Jack” Ward III

    Asthetic Comedy Value-8.5; Truth- Minus 9! The NRA and the estate of Charlton Heston should sue for Slander and Defamation, and the producers of “Hee Haw” should sue for Copyright infringement! Jawamax 8<{D}

  • Gallatin

    I refuse to watch jimmy’s movies I sure as hell won’t watch that stupid video.

  • http://www.facebook.com/joseph.a.white.16 Joseph A White

    Five bucks says he’s on with Pistol Piers Morgan tonight or tomorrow night……..

  • http://www.facebook.com/dave.lostphone Stockton Seeker

    hard to watch, not funny

  • Joe_E_in_the_IE

    Figgered out why you’re suddenly box office poison, Jimmy-Boy?

  • Jimmy Z

    What a load of self important, sanctimonious crappola. Carrey acts like he’s trying to take the 2013 Pretentious Award from Bono.

  • Grumblton

    Sad. DVD’s will make good practice targets.

    • Linda Method

      Correct. I’ll love to aim my Glock at The Naked Jungle or The Omega Man.

  • Idealogue

    It takes tons more courage to fight the gun lobby than it does to bow to the fear they spread. Kudos to Carrey! and Hilarious!

    • Guest

      This does nothing to fight anything. It doesn’t even open up intelligent conversation.

    • Tomi Glover

      Excuse me?Bow to the fear they spread. So you think the gun lobby is spreading fear because they are standing up for our constitutional rights. Man ,you deserve to think it hilarious, and you dont deserve to live in america, get the fuck out if you dont give one flying fuck about our bill of rights.

  • AlmaAlma

    I like his passion, even if I disagree with him. I will always love Jim Carrey. Whether you are from the left or the right or the middle, people should be able to disagree without getting nasty. I’ve done this myself, in anger, but I stopped and took a good look at myself and realised I didn’t like what I was becoming.

    • 5n4k33y35

      You fool. He portrayed Charlton Heston so negatively. Jim Carrey is a loser.

    • Tomi Glover

      And your really not gonna like what this country is becoming as your standing in a fema camp with no defence of being taken there,Are you so stupid as to not see what its really all about. Our criminal war mongering murdering thieving government wants to disarm us,and most americans have a reason to get nasty, while your hiding your head in the dirt, we as americans know this is our last stand on protecting all our rights, anyone who thinks its funny to joke about giving up our guns, probably thinks the NDAA and fema camps are a joke to!

    • CherDash

      Um, Jim Carrey didn’t disagree without getting nasty. Did you read his tweets or read the lyrics or listen to the song??

  • Thevelvetkitten

    Proof positive money can’t buy class.

  • Eddie Lutz

    Charleton Heston was a WWII naval gunner, marched with MLK, and was one of the greatest Hollywood actors of all time. According to Jim Carrey, star of such classics as Popper’s Penguins, he’s burning in Hell for his support of the 2nd ammendment. Jim, you should’ve stuck with talking with your ass cheeks.

    • Linda Method

      But Heston sucks as an actor. Seriously. Talk about over-acting. He’s got that down about as good as Carrey.

  • Grumblton

    Trashing and turning off half his fan base is his right-good for him. Unfortunately, I don’t think the artists, actors and production people involved in his projects are laughing now.

  • SideshowJon36

    Hmm, wonder if he’d talk sh*t to Charleston Heston to his face?

    Maybe Clint Eastwood would like to pinch hit for Chuck? Or Tom Selleck?

  • BigTBoom

    The real Hee Haw was better, couldn’t even make half way through this attempted parody.

  • Jedd McHead

    I stopped watching his movies long ago but now will make a point to avoid re-runs.

    Hollyweird, there’s not ONE actor or actress among you whose performance on screen can transcend the hurtful, stupid things the majority of they might say and do in reality every day.

    My wife and I boycott films featuring, well, pretty much everyone, anymore; I can only hope more do the same. A good kick in their wallets would wake them up.

  • James A. Lonon

    Jim. Stick to films or venues where your only real talent shines through… where you get to make funny faces to get a laugh! I was pretty damn good at pulling funny faces but, I matured. You are blessed in that you never matured,continued making funny faces and even made a great living from it! Stick to what works and leave the social commentary to we adults.

  • LordElrond09

    No one pay attention to the child please. He’s just having a tantrum

  • Bill Board

    Here’s my song for you, Jim Carrey……

    Some folks ride like the wind……
    YOU float like a p.o.s. in the toilet
    JIM CARREY movies are no longer in demand,
    and his immortal soul may lay forever in KITTY Litter.
    The angels wouldn’t take him up to heaven like he planned
    ’cause CARREY’S going to HELL in a hand basket.
    and as near as I can figure
    with your cold dead SONG you’re trying to prove YOU’RE a bigger dick
    You’re a little MINDED man with a little bitty Brain
    so you need something bigger just to fill your CRANIUM
    Why don’t you try the cramming your RANTS up your ASS.

  • Sherry

    Did anyone actually WANT this misplaced Canadian?? Let alone, his mockery of U.S. citizens and their constitutional rights?? I always found his childish slapstick slightly amusing when I was flipping channels and there was nothing better on TV. However, I think the joke will be on him now. You can’t piss off half the country, like the millions who live in the vast Midwest and love country life, and still think you are some big snot. Happy trails, Carrey…may we never meet again!!

  • Lenny

    I like how one of the repeated lines in the song is, “Charlton Heston movies are no longer in demand.” .. but Jim Carrey is SO 1990’s. Sorry buddy. Nice try.

  • Guest

    Im so damn tired of this IDIOT Carrey from CANADA and Piers “Musket”
    Morgan from ENGLAND coming to OUR country and talking trash thinking
    they know best.

    This retard isn’t a quarter of the person that Charleston Heston was.

    FOAD losers

  • jojofido

    June 2007- march 2013 1121 children have died from preventable disease…..you got waaaaay more blood on your hands jimmy boy!

  • lillymckim

    How many people did Canadian Carrey just insult with his stereotypical
    “little video”?
    Country music? Gun owners? Cowboys? Insult away dumb and dumber.

    On my “Do Not Watch List”

  • Kerry Haynes

    He should of had his daughter sing it, oh wait……..she couldn’t sing either!!

  • http://unseatHarper.ca/ Paul Bronfman

    Come home to Canada Jim, we need you. We have Bush-lite Prime Minister who’s stolen 3 elections so far. He has destroyed Canada’s one good reputation in the last 7 years.

    http://www.unseatHarper.ca

  • rivers

    Self-medicating hack with the talent of a ten year old class clown who screwed over his wife and little girl takes on dead civil rights activist who broke the mold. Hollywood’s definition of courage. Why, he’s a veritable Mother Teresa in that town if he can add “drives a Prius and has a rescue dog”!

  • Linda Method

    Hey People — it’s satire. Sorry if you’re all so butt-hurt about this video. Carrey is not bashing guns as much as he’s bashing the worship of guns. I’m a gun-owner who thinks this is really funny and clever. I get his point and totally respect his right to voice his opinion in an entertaining way. Calm the hell down.

    • Randy

      The purpose of satire is to expose the mistakes of human nature. This exposes nothing about Heston. If he wanted to address the power of the NRA or their political influence, he could have gone after Harry Reid. Instead, he chose to attack a dead man, unable to answer the crude comments by this sad individual. As for Heston’s acting ability, his films were aimed at a different generation. I enjoy his films for what they say about society at the time they were made. As for Carrey’s films, time will tell if they are as highly regarded.

    • Randy

      The purpose of satire is to expose the mistakes of human nature. This exposes nothing about Heston. If he wanted to address the power of the NRA or their political influence, he could have gone after Harry Reid. Instead, he chose to attack a dead man, unable to answer the crude comments by this sad individual. As for Heston’s acting ability, his films were aimed at a different generation. I enjoy his films for what they say about society at the time they were made. As for Carrey’s films, time will tell if they are as highly regarded.

  • http://www.facebook.com/edk.bee Ed K Bee

    @Jim Carrey the video “Cold Dead Hands” Is not at all funny.You should have not done this to yourself.I now realize who you really are and will boycott any and all of your material.I will ask my friends to also view

  • Chris

    I hope Anonymous does a Black Out for the opening weekend of Kick Ass 2 (like they are doing for Tom Cruise’s “OBLIVION”) so we can hit him were it hurts. His pocket book… Plus if we all boycott any movie he is in he is guaranteed to fall out of show biz… Which sucks… Ace Ventura were 2 of my all time favorite movies… I used to LOVE this mans comedy… Until his biggot side came out……

  • http://twitter.com/MotleyRose1 Motley Rose

    I am amused that so many people are upset by this. He’s an actor. He is singing a song against guns on a comedy show… he has also held a gun in several of his movies. This was done for money, and it in no way threatens anyone’s rights. …I can see how it may offend people… but really, this is not going to have any impact on anyone’s ability to own a gun. Sheesh!

  • http://twitter.com/alize918 Alyssa G!

    Wah wah, you people disgust me. Jim Carrey was spot on, you don’t want the gun for protection…you want it for the fantasy that comes with it. Being a supposed “badass” yet no one wants reform and stronger backround checks so the wack jobs can’t get their hands on a gun.

  • $32809

    Loving the endless piles of conservative butthurt. My Preparation H stock is going to do better than it did after the Obama victory. Y’all feeling all tender ’bout your itty bitty glands so you’re typing your pain with your Cold. Dead. Hands.