Congratulations to Joel Osteen, who tonight tweeted perhaps the worst “inspirational” tweet since Dr. Phil asked if it was OK to have sex with a girl who was drunk. Osteen has some special words for true friends who are experiencing some friction, and it very well might involve some lotions or other lubricants.

https://twitter.com/JoelOsteen/status/396055369191264257

That tweet quickly disappeared, but Twitchy is forever, and the responses were priceless.

https://twitter.com/ONORocks/status/396056123179925504

https://twitter.com/ZendoKurtis/status/396061273550360576

Zing!

  • Don Carpenter

    I can only imagine the conversation when someone called him and explained what that really means.

    • http://twitter.com/THE_DAILY_BLEAT VACUOUS CIPHER

      0h.

    • http://www.dotjenna.com/ dotJenna

      OH NO!!! Well, to the pure, all things are pure. Titus 1:15

      • Paula Coyle

        You think Joel Osteen is pure? LOL

        • Mark Culbertson

          Joel is not pure nor christian , you’ll need to quite drinking the kool aide, if you want real get the printed word not electronic , KJV and read GOD’S word, problem with people today listen to the likes of Joel and others yet never read the Bible at all .

          • bob

            You are aware that Bible is a collection of MENS words, right?

    • clarknt67

      I was imagining that too. “Uh Joel… People who are crazy fundies have another definition for ‘rubbing it out.’ You might want to rethink that one.”

    • rssllue

      That’s the danger with using cutesy phrases to make a point. The biggest problem is that they ALWAYS get stuck in people’s head, which is definitely NOT a good thing in this case.

    • Guest

      It’s cute you think you know what anything really means.

  • Sally Morris

    C’mon… that’s going over the top to hate on Joel Osteen for that,

    • Bui van vat

      Absolutely. He’s a stand up guy.

    • Neena Lane

      It is still fecking hilarious.. Lighten up people!

    • http://rogerfishwife.blogspot.com/ Roger Fishwife

      No one is “hating on” him, it’s called “teasing”. Jeez, grow some skin, you whiner.

      • Moto

        It is pretty funny.

        Time makes fools of us all eventually. It makes fools of Democrats their entire lives,though.

        • Allison

          Agreed

      • Mr_Wrestling_XIII

        I’m sure some of those tweeters are atheists who just like to piss off Christians. More than just “teasing”.

        • SupplyGuy

          Whatever. I’m a Christian and I still thought it was funny. People can only piss you off if you let them.

        • clarknt67

          God gave you a sense of humor for reason, it’s not a sin to laugh.

          • Mr_Wrestling_XIII

            Where did I say it was? Thanks for putting words in my mouth. I actually giggled at some. The others were just sophomoric.

        • Ryan Johnson

          Yeah, the majority of atheists are extremely hypocritical in my experience. they call your God “Sky Daddy,” but get pissed when they get made fun of and people point out it’s absurd to believe we somehow came from a bunch of monkeys.

          Anyway, I feel bad for Joel.

          • Casey Anderson

            We co-evolved along with monkeys from a common ancestor. There’s a crushing amount of evidence to support this. Get a twenty-first (or twentieth, or nineteenth) century education.

          • http://reaganff.tumblr.com/ reaganFF

            I’m a Christian and believe wholeheartedly in evolution. The two are not mutually exclusive. I wish more Christians understood this.

          • Mr_Wrestling_XIII

            Agreed. It doesn’t matter. It doesn’t go against Christianity, either way, unlike what many atheists want it to.

          • Guest

            Jesus disagrees with you.

            Matthew 19,4
            And He answered and said, “Have you not read that he who created them from the beginning made them male and female”

          • Ryan Johnson

            I have an education, thank you. Yours is just delusional.

            You’re also disrespectful, just as I said all you atheists are. After my experiences with people who believe in evolution, I know for a fact the majority of you believe in it because you don’t want to believe in a God, but you don’t want to admit it.

          • Casey Anderson

            Anyone who’s still looking for a missing link is clearly not educated in evolution. There are plenty of free courses out there, I encourage you to try one.

          • Mark Culbertson

            Casey just where did all the stuff for evolution to happen, where did it come from?? what is the sccientific term for when there is pure nothing something appears and forms ? where did the material that started everything come from ? how did it come into being?

          • Casey Anderson

            Your questions all have answers. All of this is covered in a remedial course in evolution. Look one up on http://www.coursera.org they probably have a course every few months. Or google one. If you’re in doubt about evolution, do yourself a favor, and take some time to learn about it. Nature is beautiful, and understanding where all of this diverse life came from only adds to the awesome experience of observing our world. And if someone is telling you evolution is false, question their motives, because that person is denying hundreds of years of science and good, hard, supporting evidence. If that person can’t supply actual solid contradicting evidence, then they’re full of it.

            If you go on asking those questions, assuming that they have no substantial answer, then you’re just using ignorance to justify what you want to believe.

          • Mark Culbertson

            CAsey , I’m asking real questions, you don’t have a clue how to answer , why you refer to a web site thats created by the likes of you, Again where did all the things come from ? had to be created some where . What formed the universe ? some thing had to creat it , it just didnt appear out of thin air. and as you said if that person can’t supply actual contradicting evidence , then they’re full of it. So don’t ever make a statement and say that you dont have to prove it. You have yet to answer one simple question I ask , how did it all start and where did it come from ?? Where did that 1 cell pecible come from that suposivally started man kind ? These are real scientific questions . What created that 1 cell ? you got answer? Until you find that answer , a logical, believeable answer. not a web site BS juke , let me know, other words you have no merit nor your believe have merit till you have a true answer to those simple questions period. As for God or a Dinity exists there is pure true science , writings of verious times and places, and tribes yep those evolution tribes even , historial writings dating 1,000’s years back, cave drawings etc, to support our God exists, acctual just look around the trees, grass, water, dirt, etc is all proof

          • Casey Anderson

            And I don’t believe in gods because there is quite simply, zero evidence for one. If the evidence led me to belief in a deity, I would follow it. Do I particularly want to believe in a deity? Not really. Certainly not yours. The Christian god is horrible. Misogynist, brutal, immoral. Truly the product of stone age myths. There are numerous other examples in other fictions of better individuals we could pattern our lives after. You know, ones that don’t endorse slavery or commit mass genocide.

          • Guest

            You’re lucky to have Dawkins to tell you what you think, since you seem unable to do it yourself.

          • Casey Anderson

            Sorry, my opinion of Christianity formed after reading the bible as a child, before I had heard of Dawkins, and decades before he began writing about religion. Good job projecting your preconceived notions on to a total stranger though. I find it humorous that you’re judging someone else’s thinking if that’s your standard.

          • Ron Bo

            No, we don’t get pissed when you call a hundred and fifty years of peer-reviewed science “absurd” while buying in to some silly myth cooked up by illiterate goat herders. We poin and laugh.

          • Ryan Johnson

            And likewise, we point and laugh at the likes of you. How’s that “Missing link” coming? That’s what I thought. By the way, while I was not specifically talking to you, you acted exactly how I was talking about how you atheists always act.

            Now run along and be a good little monkey.

          • James Eversole

            Damien, you’re clearly the one being disrespectful. You started this with the misinformed, evidenceless claim that “atheists” are the only ones making fun of this fool. Clearly, you were wrong. Also, it doesn’t matter if evolution is entirely wrong; that doesn’t make Christianity right.

            Which it isn’t.

            Continue to blabber your childish insults that you heard in church, nobody’s going to care. We’ll probably respond in a manner such as I am, but we’ll all continue to sit around and giggle at your stone age philosophy.

          • Ryan Johnson

            I said that because of my prior experiences with atheists. I have had almost zero positive ones, and 99% of the time they are the ones who start.

          • James Eversole

            I have had 0 positive religiously based conversations with Christians, yet I don’t make blind, ignorant statements on public forums as you have.

          • Ryan Johnson

            And that right there is why you’ve had zero, because we already know how you operate.

          • James Eversole

            You know how I operate? What an ignorant thing to say. Tell me, are you black? Your profile picture depicts a character that is black, that’s why I ask.

            If so, would it be right of me to assume that you’re clearly too stupid to know what you’re talking about based solely on your race? No? Of course not. Because that’s called having a prejudice. Also, you’re committing a logical fallacy there, and here’s a link, buddy.

            https://yourlogicalfallacyis.com/ad-hominem

            Come back with some evidence/reason/logic/well thought out arguments before answering this.

          • Adela Wagner

            Hey, this is America (so far) and Damien and I and you, ALL have the right to believe in something, or nothing. Damien is one of the nicest people on Twitchy and he is young, so the niceness is actually refreshing to old farts like me. So lighten up. We are all entitled to our opinions. As far as Christians go, I do not identify myself as Christian, but I have had some hard times and Christian charities were there to help. I have never, nor anyone I know seen any kind of mission, hospital, charity, food bank, soup kitchen or organization run by atheists out to help anyone or do any good for anyone or any community.
            And what does being black have to do with anything?

          • Casey Anderson

            Adela, there are a ton of secular charities, hospitals, food banks etc out there. Atheists do every bit for helping others that religious folks do, most non believers just don’t feel a need to organize with other non-believers. It’d be like you organizing with other non-Vampire believers. When you don’t believe in something, that non belief doesn’t really drive your actions. That being said, there are more charitable atheist organizations popping up, partly to counteract misconceptions about atheists that people have. Which is a good thing. Humans have natural desires to help one another out that don’t need to come from fear of eternal punishment, or promise of eternal reward, and we need to acknowledge and celebrate that beneficence.

          • Adela Wagner

            I have free will, I am not a bible thumper, I’m pretty much a golden rule person. But I do appreciate all the gifts around me.
            And just so you know, doing a kindness to score “brownie points” would pretty much cancel out said points.It’s more of a soul/spiritual thing that comes naturally to many as their truth, because it feels right and brings them peace. It is also a brotherhood thing because those that understand life’s ups and downs know that it is actually a blessing to be given the opportunity to help another because it is humbling, just as it can be a blessing to go through rough times because that is when your faith will carry you and your faith becomes stronger.

            So in the meantime, I see Catholic Hospitals and Christian charities without searching them out. But I’ll keep on the lookout for an ACTUAL Atheist something or other

          • Casey Anderson

            Interesting to note, the golden rule predates Christianity and even Judaism. It’s not a huge mental leap that working together and helping others is mutually beneficial, after all. You happen to live in a Christian dominated society. Of course the majority of charities you see are Christian. Guess what? There are Jewish and Islamic charities in the US as well, and probably in an amount completely representative to their portion of the population.

            As for needing a belief in god to do good, do you think civilizations not centered around a deity like Taoism, Confucianism or Buddhism engender societies that don’t do charitable acts? Of course not.

            You mention kindness, humility, brotherhood, and an understanding of ‘life’s ups and downs.’ I assure you, an understanding of these things is not limited to believers. Atheists just don’t need faith to deal with the ordeals of life.

            Because your insistence that somehow Atheists don’t do any charitable things is quite insulting to those who are genuinely doing good, I encourage you to think about it some more and maybe do some research before smearing the name of a good cross section of society. Here’s a good place to start. http://kylyssa.squidoo.com/Atheist-Charities

            Also consider that one of the most charitable people in the world, Bill Gates, is an atheist. There are many more like him. Just because it’s not done under the banner of Atheism, doesn’t mean non-believers aren’t doing good.

          • Adela Wagner

            Bill Gates is a socialist at best. Just by his involvement with Common Core tells me everything I never wanted to know about Bill Gates. EVERYTHING he donates to has a tentacle reaching back to his agenda.

            I never said Atheists don’t do anything charitable. I said I have never seen any Atheist Charitable Organizations. And yes, I should have mentioned Jewish orgs. my oversight as it seemed we were go one about Christians and Atheists.

            I looked at that article and it made me laugh. “Atheists don’t advertise that their charitable organizations are so, because they are concerned about the “stigma” of Atheism”…HAHA, well that fear certainly does not stop them when they are throwing temper tantrums about others religions.

            Also if Atheists can do a kindness for kindness sake, so can anyone else. Just because you may be a believer, does not mean you walk around trembling in your boots looking to do a good deed OR ELSE.

            I have seen people who were basically in the gutter life wise and because of a miracle totally turned their life around. I could actually see the glow in them.
            I have had miracles in my life that blow me away. We all come to our truth from different places in life.

            As far as I can say, believe in “Nothing”, it is no skin off my nose and I am fine with you hanging “Nothing” in the town square, I’m totally accepting of you having a total holiday celebrating “Nothing” every day. I will never ever try to oppress your belief in “Nothing” or Anything, for that matter (as long as it’s not some kind of thing that tells you to kill me if I don’t join you) and I would appreciate the same from each of you.
            Good day, appreciate the back and forth.

          • Mark Culbertson

            If you dont like living in a Christian dominated society ,move like to China , Japan North korea , just move . This country was formed, created on Christian beliefs, values, freedom to worship in as we see fit, but you or likes of yous do not have a right to push your belief down out thoats just because you want to be different and you going to be ask to prove all the trash that flys out of your mouth, dont side step, side wind when some one ask you to prove them wrong , if you say GOD doesnt exist then prove it, if you cant then you need to shut the up and leave people alone.

          • Mark Culbertson

            well only problem with evolution or darins theory is simple its a theory — a theory is an unproven fact— if not proven its not really a fact— so for all you athesises , just where and how did everything come from ?? it had to be created at somepoint and to argue over God’s and dienties is kinda cutting your head off to stop a nose bleed. Fact the universe was created , the big bang material was created , basically prove how something evolves from nothing — pure nothing — then something appears ?? what created the material that started an evloution is far more greater than mans thinking can ever appericate nor understand. Guess the main question is just where did all the plants, animals, humans come from ? to science the earth at one point was a big solid mass, then some how water came , then dirt etc but the problem is science it self conterdicts its self especially it that, what evidence do we have to prove any of that?? To say man evolved from ape ? well possible with some of the tribes but not all men evolved from apes , cause there are different people on this earth , look at some of the tribes in the jungle possible but at other ethic groups inpossible.

          • Casey Anderson

            That’s not the definition of theory, or how theories work. Our understanding of gravity is called the Theory of Gravity.
            Do you dispute that Gravity is real?

            Once again, do yourself and take some science courses, especially evolution. Even intro courses would teach you a great deal. No offense, but until you do, you’re just spouting ignorant garbage.

          • Guest

            Gravity can be tested and observed, while evolution cannot. Your silly distortions of what ‘theory’ means only shows how feeble your arguments are. Like I said, yours are Dawkins’ thoughts, practically word for word, so don’t even bother.

          • Casey Anderson

            Actually, evolution has been observed and is observed all the time. We’ve seen it in petri dishes. We’ve seen it the fossil records. I’m not going to waste my time on you since you’re just arguing from ignorance. Educate yourself, or continue along like the happy little troll you are. Makes no difference to me.

          • Guest

            You poor deluded child. Evolution has never been observed.
            There is simply no such thing. You’ve been lied to your entire life.

          • Casey Anderson
          • Guest

            A debunked article from a biased source, some guy’s blog, and a kid’s video? This is your evidence?

            Laughable.

            http://creation.com/bacteria-evolving-in-the-lab-lenski-citrate-digesting-e-coli

          • Casey Anderson

            Oy vey. You’re going to creation.com? Certainly no bias there, huh?

            I’d be highly skeptical about sources like creation.com. One of the tenets of science is to remove bias. That’s why we have peer review. Science (ideally) looks at nature, and makes conclusions from the data that can be gathered. Creationists start with an idea, and look only for the information that can support it, and for ways to refute the evidence that contradicts it. That’s not how you find truth.

            Sorry, but that article is garbage. Michael Behe is noted for practicing pseudoscience and being a proponent for intelligent design. Again, you can’t start with a concept and make the data fit your preconceived notions. That’s not science, that’s bias.

          • Guest

            For every nonsense science article you drag up from 5 years ago I can produce one to refute it, but all this is academic. In 150 years there has been nothing but fraud and no evidence whatsoever. The theory of evolution is ridiculous and wrong, so give it a rest already. You lost. Learn to cope.

          • Casey Anderson

            You really should put together all of this anti-evolution evidence you seem to have sources for. Someone would definitely win a Nobel Prize … or SOME sort of prize for disproving the foundation for modern biology.

          • Guest

            The nonsense of evolution is hardly the foundation of modern biology, which isn’t as modern as you’d like to think. A dog is still a dog, a chicken is still a chicken, and a Democrat is still a blockhead.
            Apparently they’ll give a Nobel Prize to any undeserving slob who happens to be good at killing people.

          • Casey Anderson

            Sorry you didn’t like my ‘sources,’ it was an effort to give you something digestible. If you really want to learn, take a course.

            https://www.coursera.org/course/geneticsevolution

            There’s a new one starting in January. You might find another course in evolution from MIT online (for free), or from pretty much any other university anywhere on the planet.

            Kind of funny that to find a source or someone teaching anything different, you’d have to go to a church, religious website, or religious school. I wonder why they might be the only ones (desperately) refuting real science.

          • Mark Culbertson

            casey before you start making comments personallt toward me have the man hood and say it for real to my face , the only ignorant garbage is YOU!!! whan I say for real I mean in person , but grant you one thing you will be calling on my GOD to pull me off your sorry ignorant ass cause you be seeing flashes of life and death. Don’t hide in ccyber space , be a real man step up, cause if I have to find you , you will get to meet my GOD ,

          • Casey Anderson

            ROFL. Not sure what I did to deserve your ire, but I suspect if Jesus was a real person, he might not be very proud of you.

            Instead of getting angry because you’re losing an argument, why don’t you spend some time learning something? I posted some links above, they’re worth looking into.

          • Mark Culbertson

            150 years of peer reviewed science wow, is that something only problem is science is wrong more than right, look at it according to science a bubble bee cant fly but it does. this so called science is not true facts only mans theory but lets not be pushing un proven facts into my lane ok, you believe what you want but the mintue you keep pushing taking GOD out of our currency, prayers out of our schools , and our other belove articles that this great nation we all live in then you are going to have a big problem, You nor the likes of you have yet to prove that a GOD or other dienities dont exist !!

          • Casey Anderson

            We don’t need to prove that god doesn’t exist. The person making the claim needs to supply the proof.

            If I insist pink flying ponies exist, and tell you that they exist until you can prove otherwise, do you think that’s rational?

          • Guest

            Yes you do need to prove it. You’re the ones doing all the complaining and trying to get people to not believe in God. Prove he doesn’t exist, or buzz off.

          • Casey Anderson

            Think about the fact that you demand proof against something that you can provide no proof for.
            Think about the fact that when there’s proof for something that threatens your belief (evolution), you deny the proof. Won’t even look at it or attempt to learn about it.

            Bad ideas don’t need such irrational thinking to prop them up. Good ideas can survive criticism, testing against reality, and they don’t need to shy away from logical, rational thought.

            “You’re the ones … trying to get people to not believe in God.” LoL, So religious people don’t try and ‘spread the good word?” Listen, I’m sorry you were indoctrinated into this way of thinking. If you can begin to see why it’s faulty, I assure you, the rational world has a lot of wonder to offer if you’re willing to accept reality and learn about it.

          • Mark Culbertson

            As soon as you start acting stupid , doing stupid stuff just to piss people off like complanning about prayer is school, taking God off our currency etc, yes you need to prove that God or dienities do not exist, until you can prove it shut up the stupid . If you all are so peaceful group whey are you so set to keep shit stirred? You have now challenged the military to have a athist chaplain only problem chaplin corp is reglious it repersents reglious services for troops , reglion thats having a belief in GOD or another dienty , now sense you clam there is no GOD how or why do you think you should be represented in the corp? other than to push you belief on people against their will . Oh and you say you are peaceful?

          • Casey Anderson

            I’m very peaceful. You were the one who threatened bodily violence to me, as above.
            But you can challenge ideas and search for the truth, and try to educate people and still be peaceful. If the truth threatens your worldview, that’s your problem, not mine.

          • Guest

            Are you looking in a mirror while you point? That’d be appropriate. John and James and Peter and Andrew were fishermen, Matthew was a tax-collector, Luke was a doctor…that doesn’t leave a lot of time to herd goats. And how did illiterate people write anything at all? Can you produce some ‘peer-reviewed science’ to show you’re anything other than an ignorant lout?

          • Casey Anderson

            Wow, you’re rude. Which of John, James, Peter, Andrew, Matthew or Luke taught you to behave like that?

            The stories of Jesus weren’t written until decades after they supposedly happened. Until then, they were, as is the case with most of mythology, oral traditions passed on generationally. This is well established history. I doubt you could find a Christian apologist who would claim otherwise.

          • Guest

            Awww, did I hurt your little feelings? Go cry about it then.

          • Ron Bo

            You think those fellows actually originated the things they wrote? Nearly every tale in the Bible has roots in earlier folklore, oral traditions by illiterate peoples. And using the term “doctor” for someone from that period is truly hilarious – more like a tribal medicine man. Fisherman, goat herder, tomayto,tomahto, They were members of a pre-technological society and were just writing down myths that had been around forever. Most of the Bible was written centuries after Jesus died – it would be like people today writing a biography of George Washington, based on oral stories that had been passed down for the past 200+ years. How accurate do you think that would be?

          • NeCromX

            No one makes fun of us for it because the majority of society accepts it. The roman catholic church accepts evolution as how we got here but not why we are here. Only fundamentalists ignore all the facts and evidence because they are too small minded to understand the science behind it.

  • aegean1

    Lmao, I love Joel. Sh*t happens. 😉

  • WhoMeToo

    O.O ==> Oh my…..

  • therealguyfaux ✓ᵛᵉʳᶦᶠᶦᵉᵈ

    Joel’s a big boy.
    He can hold his own with the best of them.
    He’ll come to grips with this mistake.

    • Bui van vat

      Let’s not be too hard on him.

      • Jennifer

        Badump bump!

    • Kevin Scott

      Yeah, this was just a stroke of unfortunate luck. Hopefully this doesn’t cause TOO much friction for Olsteen.

  • Clayton Grant

    If you rub the right spot, you can achieve sarcasm, sometimes multiple sarcasms.

    • thedumbblonde

      Awesome, right there.

    • Zsuzsa Garrett

      Hey, even a man of God has some splaning to do.

    • Adela Wagner

      And it’s all fun and games until someone doesn’t get the sarcasm (or in this case, TO sarcasm)

  • therealguyfaux ✓ᵛᵉʳᶦᶠᶦᵉᵈ

    “Help me, Obi Wanker Nobi!”

  • Fluffenburger

    With friends like that who needs ummmm errr …. erasers?

  • Pat Loudoun

    I have a dear friend named Tina who helps me out that way every now and again.

    Osteen was unintentionally on the money.

    • thedumbblonde

      TMI.

      • Pat Loudoun

        Heh. That was expected. But really, you’ve never helped a friend out? 😉

      • Michelle ✓classified

        A grown man has sex. How’s that TMI? It’s what our bodies were designed for.

        • Clayton Grant

          Vive la différence!

          • Michelle ✓classified

            Exactly! God loves us all.

        • Michelle ✓classified

          I love the downvotes. God called, he said leave the judging up to him and stop trying to do his job.

          • http://nickhargreaves.com/ Nick Hargreaves

            Yes, instead do your friend’s job :)

        • CatHerder ✓fire! ✓fire!

          I had a different mental picture. Maybe I saw too many gangster flicks at an impressionable age, but rub-out doesn’t sound sexual at all.

          • Jay Stevens

            I think we are from the same generation. Remember when “gay” was a state of mind?

          • CatHerder ✓fire! ✓fire!

            Yep, and flakes were what you had for breakfast.

    • Clayton Grant

      I have one of those dear friends too. I call her my wife.

      • Pat Loudoun

        Bless her. But don’t show her the comment. Trust me.

  • TJ

    Is there any word to replace rub it in and rub it out that does not end in the NSFW category.

  • CO2 Producer

    A real friend sticks with you, through thick and thin.

    That’s why there’s Scotchgard™.

  • Fluffenburger

    brb , i need to go rub one out for my friend

  • QWYS (Hydralisk of the Swarm)

    My wife graduated from High School with Mr. Osteen. This is what happens when you cross an associates degree in marketing and communications with a desire to make yourself wealthy and a good understanding of the prosperity gospel game.

    • QWYS (Hydralisk of the Swarm)

      Oh and let me be clear, I heard Mr. Osteen’s father preach when Lakewood Church was in a modest building out off FM 1960, and I have heard Mr. Osteen preach.

    • clarknt67

      This is what happens when you sequester yourself away from sin. And the masturbation culture.

      • QWYS (Hydralisk of the Swarm)

        So on the first part I agree, but I ran this by a guy I went to high school with, who is Sr. Pastor at a church here in the D/FW area. He got the joke. He is two years younger than Mr. Osteen and his parents were strict.

        Last time I checked, Mr. Osteen was very negligent in his preaching of the inherent sinful nature of humanity, he may have changed. I know a few years back he was getting a lot of criticism from many pastoral circles on this issue.

  • therealguyfaux ✓ᵛᵉʳᶦᶠᶦᵉᵈ

    “Mastur of his domain…”

  • arttie

    Just as long as no “little blue dress” is involved or a humidor of cigars.

  • eveh

    Oh good grief. Christians don’t Hang around people who say things like so I know he had to idea where this would go. Bless his heart. I’ve never heard it before either. I took it to mean that you just erase negative things about your friends.

    • bob

      You should get out more. Live a little.

  • Nanette

    Just proves a point..how very low base Americans minds are..

  • DWAAP

    LOL< now that is funny, can just imagine the look on his face when reality of the words came to light!

  • Roberto Canivel Vicencio

    I rub you too.

  • Mike Rogers

    I kind of like that he is not aware of the range of meanings on “rubbing one out”. Honestly, the first meaning my mind went to was the mafia term “rubbing someone out”

    • 3seven77

      That’s what I thought of too. I guess we’re both just too… naïve.

      • Jay Stevens

        Or old.

  • mark

    Got to make it nasty huh?Get your mind out of the gutter

  • Matthew T. Mason

    I LOVE it!

  • Thomas Howell

    Ahh! The world of fart jokes has struck again. For smart people who can read that it say’s “making a mistake”, this is not funny. There is nothing sexual about the context of that tweet. Just the unmistakable frat children of our nation making a funny.

  • Bob Young

    Seriously! We all know what his true meaning was. Give this stupidity a rest. Osteen is a good person.

    • bob

      He is a scam artist, plain and simple. You are nothing more than prey to a social predator like him. HE surely doesn’t believe the stuff he preaches, but he is smart enough to exploit Christians.
      “Religion was invented the day the first con artist met the first fool ”
      -Mark Twain

      • Bob Young

        Obama would be the fraud scam artist, and unfortunately America is his prey.

  • marcellucci

    The Left detests when the honest speak honestly…….
    If you don’t understand what he meant….you’re just looking for an argument….
    ….and that’s a sad way to go through life……..

  • pgson

    Pretty crappy jumping on the bandwagon supporting the “fun” poking at his tweet. His meaning was sound the first time.

    • Fluffenburger

      yeah, they’re rubbing me the wrong way too

    • HanaFiveO

      Kinda like the little old ladies who stapled tea bags to their straw hats. Then got called “teabaggers.” Innocence lost to vulgar modern vernacular.

      • nc ✓s & balances

        I’m still mad about that because they still use that disgusting term.

        • HanaFiveO

          Me too, so wrong on so many levels.

      • Finrod Felagund

        When I see a leftist troll using that term, I ask them “why do you hate gays?”. At the very least, it distracts them from trolling.

        • Deborah Hallsted

          I’ll remember that

        • Zakasnak

          If conservatives are the teabaggers…. does that make liberals the teabaggees? I think I’d rather be the former…….

  • HanaFiveO

    Good thoughts often go astray in 140 spaces. Twitter can be tough on getting the point you mean to make across!

  • John

    Please keep rubbing, because I don’t feel a thing yet.

  • Bristel

    I love Joel. I don’t like televangelism much though. Someone needs to give him a crash course in the vulgar vernacular.

  • Jessica

    Ok, I admit when I read the first part and it just said can I go to hell for helping my friend rub it out… I twisted my head sideways and said “what??” but if you read the post in which it states ” a true friend……” when someone rubs in your mistakes , esp. someone who is close to you that’s most painful…. but a true friend ( a person’s whose hearts in the right place, or values your friendship. through dark and light) comes a long side of you ( sometimes holds you accountable) but they help you wipe it our ; start anew; erase it…… LOVE COVERS A MULTITUDE OF SIN….. I really think that is what @Joel Osteen was saying…

  • ozconservative

    A true friend doesn’t walk in when you’re trying to rub it out.

  • BodyArmour

    methinx folks are imprinting their own worldly definitions on Joel’s Tweet (statement); I gather the meaning was that friends don’t ridicule you for your mistakes,. They enter into counsel with you to overcome or get past them and support you in attaining victory over mistakes,..

    • bob

      ” I gather the meaning was that friends don’t ridicule you for your mistakes,.”

      Wow, your investigative powers are mind blowing. I can’t believe you’re wasting your time on here when there are so many unsolved crimes out there.

  • HanaFiveO

    Gambit of emotions. I laughed, then felt ashamed, then inspired. Don’t let the twitter twits get ya down Joel!

  • Bruce

    Joel is a “grand equivocator;” with Larry King, on the question of whether or not Jesus Christ is the only way to heaven, and, recently, with the Huffington Post over the issue of homosexuality. Osteen simply needs to be “liked” more than he needs to express himself on principle. Besides, a pastor should, of course, be a shepherd; Osteen is a cattleman

  • http://www.thereisagod.webs.com/ Derek Lockhart

    …so that’s what an epic facepalm moment looks like. Always wondered…

  • Mr_Wrestling_XIII

    You’re not alone, Mr. Osteen. I had my fair share of unintentionally sexual statements. Everything has a sexual connotation, these days! lol

    I don’t get all the Joel hate. He’s a good guy. His sermons helped me get through some tough times. Anyone who says he’s a fraud don’t know what they’re talking about. Both atheists and religious fundies hate him, so he’s doing something right!

    • John Thomas “Jack” Ward III

      I don’t hate him, I just don’t watch his show, or read his books… Sometimes when I flip the channels on Sunday morning, I’ll see him saying something funny…Not of a sexual nature, tho… Jawamax 8<{D}

    • JustLikeAnimals

      I have always been amazed that, even when channel surfing through and stopping for a minute or two, Joel always seems to have an inspirational, uplifting message that speaks to me on some level. I think that is a testament to how in tune he is with the everyday trials and struggles of people.

      • bob

        ” Joel always seems to have an inspirational, uplifting message that
        speaks to me on some level. I think that is a testament to how in tune
        he is with the everyday trials and struggles of people.”

        No, it’s a testament to his ability to utter platitudes to mindless sheep and make money.

      • blockthiscnn

        Sounds like he is telling people what they want to hear. Which the Bible says isn’t a good thing.

  • CurtFrantz

    I had no idea what “rub it out” meant, I couldn’t tell from the tweets above, and had to look it up in the slang dictionary. When I was in high school (40 years ago), we’d turn any phrase into one meaning “masturbate.” How the heck do so many people know the “dirty” meaning of “rub it out” which is commonly used with a non “dirty” meaning? Is everyone here a high schooler? With all the idiotic things said and tweeted, this one seems a waste to spend time on. (I also had to look up who Joel Osteen is, I’ve got no dog in this hunt. Hmmm, that phrase could mean something dirty too.)

    • ErikandKathy Muller

      I had no idea either..I’ve been out of HS 33 yrs

    • arttie

      I used the term “woody plant” in ahigh school biology class and got the giggles from them.

  • Finrod Felagund

    You can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose, but you can’t wipe your friends on the sofa.

  • ekwynn

    I think that between the people making fun of Mr. Osteen’s naïve gaffe and those supporting him for still having – intact – that very same naiveté, we seem to have ended in a 1-1 tie. Might that call for a rubber match?

  • Emperors clothes

    Not a fan, but I had no idea what “Rub it Out” meant either. Thank God for the Urban Dictionary

    • John Thomas “Jack” Ward III

      :Rub it out”… as in a Mob/Mafia contract killing? #TheTenCommandments Remember… “THou shalt not kill”.. Unless i misinterpeted that… Jawamax 8<{D}

      • Emperors clothes

        You are thinking of a contract killing. They are thinking of masturbation: 1. rub it out
        to masterbate
        Damn That girl is hot, i better rub it out before i explode.

        New one to me.

  • Candy Ohara

    A true friend indeed.

  • Doubting Thomas

    Actually, pretty funny. ” Hook up” got me in to being the butt of the joke, for about a month.

  • Ksmoola1

    I had to look it up too…

  • Jeannette

    Oh, my goodness!!! I don’t tweet, I text and post on fb. I take my time when posting a comment. All for the fear of posting something “sounding” wrong. Well, Joel is only human.

  • Melanie Quave

    I guess that is why we are human.We’re not perfect by any means.We can strive to be a better person each day.

  • Steve__Jacobson

    So all those people think you should kick your friends when they’re down?

  • ErikandKathy Muller

    Aww…leave him alone..Joel’s kind of goofy!

  • frannie

    Thanks for starting my day with a great laugh!!!

  • Rogue Cheddar

    And real friends don’t show up empty handed, they bring extra towels and a bottle of Jergens.

    • John Thomas “Jack” Ward III

      Joel is friends with..Creepy Jim Messina? Jawamax 8<{D}

  • Rogue Cheddar

    Who needs friends when you got the TSA.

  • DocRides

    Obviously the Uneducated among us have Had their Moronic Fun with this one….As a Former Police Officer and Irish/Italian American who’s almost 70, I understand exactly what the Reverand Ment and it has Nothing to do with what you Jack-Off’s thought!

    • bob

      EVERYONE understands what he meant, Office Einstein.

  • John

    awwww…why play with him like that..stupid

  • Rhonda

    Mr. Osteen says enough damaging destructive things in the course of playing pastor. This however is not one of them…he’s just clueless in the language of today’s twisted society…as well as scripture.

    • http://www.countryphase.com RJ

      Heh. Today’s society? Euphemisms for sex and/or masturbation have been a part of human vernacular for quite some time. I heard the ancient and late ancient Romans were masters of it.

    • ohspareme

      Glad I am not the only one who sees this!

  • David Johnson

    Guess some people have better friends than the rest of us!

  • Misterdee

    Only the sick and demented minds of this evil and wicked generation could take something a man of GOD meant for good and twist it to a foul disturbing thought. You all are sick.

    • bob

      There is nothing foul or disturbing about masturbation. Don’t you have some witches to burn at the stake, or books to burn?

      • blockthiscnn

        That depends on the context.

        • bob

          Well, it’s certainly not foul and disturbing in this context.

        • bob

          Well, nothing about the context here was foul or disturbing.

    • blockthiscnn

      As a Christian, I feel it necessary to offer some wisdom here:

      Lighten up.

      Last I checked, Olsteen (who preaches health and wealth, another topic altogether) was not God. Also, hopefully Olsteen was carrying his big boy card today and realized his mistake, and laughed about it.

    • BenInNY

      I recommend valium

    • amused

      oh come on, haven’t you been rubbed the wrong way by another person in your entire life? Come on, you can let it all hang out, now that we’re on the topic.

  • Michael Ellis

    It’s funny because most of us have mis-spoken like this without realizing it. I suspect Mr. Osteen giggled a bit after having it explained, I certainly would have.

  • John Thomas “Jack” Ward III

    “Aye, there’s the Rub…. The Play’s the thing…” #WilliamShakespeare #Hamlet (And would you believe, I’ve never read/Watched it in it’s entirety… ( Jawamax 8<{D}

  • backell

    I”m no fan of the guy, but this is just sort of childish.

    • Rogue Cheddar

      Sgt. Hulka: Lighten up Francis.

  • chewinmule

    Stay off the “high road” with this man of God! If you prefer the “ditch”. stay there!

  • Mark Culbertson

    Joel doesnt think , hes got those dollars on his mind that folk send him, not yet heard a real sermon from this guy , nor God’s plan of salvation always fell good stuff so out in leftfield

    • Claudia Cunningham

      Want to hear Gods word taught chapter by chapter, verse by verse? Go to Shepherds Chapel.com or you could have it on tv. Pastor Arnold Murray. Best teacher I’ve ever heard !

  • JustLikeAnimals

    Haters and the anti-Christian movement just can’t help themselves. Laying like snakes in the grass, coiled and waiting to strike. Tread lightly and carry a loaded GLOCK.

    • Justwaitinforchange

      Oh come on – this is funny, we should just laugh and move on

  • noprism

    I suppose it’s another take on the old saying: “A friend helps you move; a true friend helps you move the body.”

    • amused

      Yeah, but the other one is funnier. Sorry. 😛

  • Dawn Walker

    WOW! amazing how a simple phrase can be turned so freaking negative! Geez people! Get a freaking clue! and a life! Quit turning everything into a sexually charged comment!

  • it’s my opinion

    Ridiculous. Why does everything in this world become sexual. Joel Osteen is not making a comment about sex. He is talking about a friend who stays behind to help you in your life problems,when everyone else has left you.

    • bob

      It’s called a double entendre and it’s been around since the dawn of language. Lighten up a bit, you’ll be much happier.

      • it’s my opinion

        I am light about most things but, when it comes to Christianity and our Christian leaders, I have had about enough. There is an all out war on
        Christianity and I do not find it amusing. If a person takes a drink of water, someone will come along and make something sexual out of it in our culture today.

        • blockthiscnn

          As another Christian, let me give you a little encouragement:

          God is a big boy. Hopefully Olsteen is too. People who aren’t Christians made a dirty joke? Say it isn’t so. I used to think like you until it hit me that people who don’t believe in God aren’t going to act like they believe in God. It’s not your job to beat them with the Jesus stick until they act like you think they should. It’s your job to live your life in a way that reflects what you believe. That says much more than complaining that someone made a joke about a statement that frankly wasn’t well thought out.

          • it’s my opinion

            So giving an honest opinion is beating them with a Jesus stick????Christians have remained silent for too long and the world is tramping them.

          • BenInNY

            The problem is that this is not an example of the war on Christianity. It’s reaction to an unintentionally funny comment.

          • amused

            how can I put this politely? STFU

          • it’s my opinion

            Real mature of you.

          • amused

            can I get an AMEN????????????????????????

  • John Andrews

    lol.. The one true issue with being too milk and cookies. You don’t realize you are saying something dirty because that was not the intent. I am guessing the good Rev. was meaning make it disappear and not realizing everyone’s mind would be in the gutter. Proof some, if not most of us need a little more Jesus in their lives.. It was good chuckle though..

    • bob

      Jesus isn’t real, bud.

      • amused

        Jesus is dead.

      • Guest

        Prove it.

    • amused

      no we don’t need jesus. Some can rub it out by themselves, thank you. 😛

  • http://goodreportministries.com/ Ivan A. Rogers

    If the haters of Joel Osteen think they’re being funny by nit-picking his tweets and turning his words into something altogether contrary to what he actually meant, I’ve got news for you: you’re not as funny as you want others to think you are.

    • PleaseKillMe

      I think they are. Watching someone as evil as Osteen take even an innocent ribbing is always fun.

      • BenInNY

        I don’t think he’s in any way evil, but yeah, you have to retain your sense of humor or you’ll be miserable. And a lot of those people commenting are religious btw, Van.

      • amused

        innocent RUBBING

    • The Bean

      Come’on….It was a little bit funny.
      I love Jesus but Joel Osteen gives me the creeps.

  • Bay Morgan

    Only sick minds

  • rebelparson

    I bet there will be a lot more people at his church on Sunday.

  • gdfgahgafgdfg

    this has gotta be the best education he got

  • amused

    Praise the Lord for all this rubbing out.

  • amused

    People with DIRTY minds, interpret humor as vulgar.