'Is Biden the first subject?' Obama unveils initiative to map the human brain

This morning, President Obama unveiled a $100 million initiative to map the human brain. While Vice President Joe Biden was on hand to play the potted plant role at Obama’s gun control speech last week, he wasn’t on camera to contribute his deer-in-headlights look during this announcement.

Why would the White House leave Uncle Joe out? Because the jokes pretty much write themselves.


A helpful Twitter user provides an image of the map of Biden’s brain:

That’s no “garden variety” brain!

  • CitizenEgg

    From one ear to the other. Mapping Joe’s brain is the shortest distance between 2 points, with an emergency exit straight to his mouth.

    • TocksNedlog

      Two lonely neurons whirling around inside that huge cranium — occasionally coliding; but, more often than not, getting themselves stuck in the roots of those synthetic hair plugs with little hope of release.

      • E Quilibrate

        If a synapse fires does it not require yet another synapse to
        receive the signal? I’m not sure he owns more than one.

        • TocksNedlog

          Oh sure, he has two.
          And every once in awhile they fire off —
          kinda like someone firing a double-barreled shotgun.

          • E Quilibrate

            That would be, no doubt ,through a door.   No? You help me to maintain a firm grip on my sanity.

    • Frank Drebin

      He could while away the hours, conferrin’ with the flowers

      Consultin’ with the rain.

      And his head he’d be scratchin’

      while his thoughts were busy hatchin’

      If Joe only had a brain.

      He’d unravel every riddle for any individ’le,

      In trouble or in pain.

      With the thoughts he’d be thinkin’
      He could be another Lincoln

      If Joe only had a brain.

  • thetawake

    B.R.A.I.N : Biden’s Reality Always Imitates Noodles

    • E Quilibrate

      I hope that’s your own invention, ’cause I just appropriated
      it for my sister.

  • thetawake

    B.R.A.I.N. : Biden’s Really America’s Indestructible Nincompoop

    • E Quilibrate


  • Sarah Nelson

    I’ve been watching Josh Whedons “Dollhouse” on Netflix (worth your time if you are a scfi/Whedon fan) and it got me thinking I bet Our Prez would love to be able to control peoples brains! Thank God its only Hollywood right.

  • thetawake

    B.R.A.I.N. : Breakfast Ramshackle Amber Impetuous Nickles – ‘actual’ Biden Quote

  • © Sponge

    Good thing we’ve got all this money to throw around.

    I’m pretty sure that private industry and charity can come up with better research than government funded crap. After all, government funding brought us GLOBAL WARMING and it’s COLD outside.

    • Tango Niner

      Still waiting for Spring. When was that supposed to start… yeah. These leftist, globalists just sit around waiting for some event to happen to push their policies.

      You know what’s funny? We know more about a man who shot up a theater, whose still alive (sadly) and has a gag order on the case than we do about a shooting where the loser killed himself. Why? It sounds more like an agenda is being protected than anything else.

  • coreopsis has set in

    BRAIN = Biden’s Really All I Need

    By replacing IQ tests with General Average Stupidity Profiles [GASP], and using “Biden Units” as measurement, NIMH is on the threshold of major breakthroughs in treatment.

    “We still can’t fix stupid,” a source at NIMH revealed, “but Joe has given us new insight into stupidity’s exponential ability to reproduce in a vacuum.”

    • E Quilibrate

      Corey, please a quick review of the quantitative analysis
      of a “Biden Unit”. I hope that’s not sexual inuendo.

  • http://twitter.com/die_mich_zwei Spatial Awareness

    Do you hear that FLUSHING sound??? That’s another $100 MILLION of taxpayer dollars going down the SHITTER.

  • Palin ECoalition

    Uh – what is Obama proposing that is different from the ongoing research of neuroscientists around the world? http://www.sfn.org/public-outreach/brainfacts-dot-org?pagename=brainfacts. Scientists are already mapping functions of brain areas with the latest technology. What is Obama’s real motive here? To take credit for their discoveries or something more sinister, like finding methods of mind control?

    • Brent Guthrie

      I was starting to believe I was the only paranoid person here.

    • TocksNedlog

      With him, it’s ALWAYS about taking credit.

  • aliwilcox

    I know nothing about this proposal, and I am the first in line for hating Obama, guts and all. But I was reading Ben Carson’s book this morning and he points out that the USA graduates 60,000 (most of whom are foreign) engineers a year, compared to China’s 400,000. This is the Information Age and we are losing it, while China is rising. Yes, they steal our technology, but they are putting emphasis on learning. Our dominance during the Agricultural and Industrial Ages helped make us a pinnacle nation. Our pathetic showing in education for the past 40-50 years is part of what has led to our decline as a country. So I support acquiring new knowledge (along with an educational system overhaul.)

  • Brent Guthrie

    He’s calling it B.R.A.I.N because MK Ultra has already been taken.

  • itzyaboi95

    Start with Biden, then Feinstein, then Bloomberg and so on.

  • mike_in_kosovo

    And why not use Biden as the first subject to be brain-mapped? It’s not like he’s using it for anything other than holding his ears apart…

  • TocksNedlog

    Mapping Joe Biden’s brain is like solving the maze on the back of a children’s menu at Denny’s.

  • TocksNedlog

    Mapping Joe Biden’s brain is like finding Waldo.
    One goofy spot in a field of meaningless background noise.

  • TocksNedlog

    Biden’s brain is so smooth and devoid of ridges, his boss could go bowling with it and beat his all-time high score of 37 . . . which, by the by, would also beat Biden’s IQ score.

  • Jеrrу Thоmрsоn

    Can’t afford to keep the White House open for free volunteer tours, WHICH HE’S LEGALLY REQUIRED TO DO, but he can dump $100 million into a project that’s already been pursued by academia for at least a decade.

  • Saar

    To better understand and indoctrinate the future masses.

  • ceemack

    You could map Joe Biden’s brain on a Post-It.

    • TocksNedlog

      Or on a postage stamp

  • E Quilibrate

    The brain Bidens’ holding? They certainly can’t expect us to believe it belongs to him. It’s way too big. You can actually see it. On second thought , it being in his hands rather than in his head may explain a lot.

  • CrashFroelich

    I already mapped Joe’s brain. I’ll include the artifact as the last character in this sentence.

  • TonyMitch

    There won’t be any liberals involved in this research. Can’t map what people don’t have.

  • Tango Niner

    Sorry, just can’t stop laughing! Poor Biden (moron). If they start on Biden this is going to cost 200 million+. All the equipment will immediately be labeled faulty and they’ll replace it, and depending on which scientists they chose, the costs might even cut into the presidents vacation budget.

  • mhojai

    the map to biden’s brain has to include a rectal probe to find it, first

  • trixiewoobeans

    Map of Biden’s brain…circles, lots of circles.