Jim Carrey’s ‘Cold Dead Hand’ song for ‘heartless motherf*ckers’ released; Mocks Charlton Heston, gun owners; Update: Foul lyrics added

Funny?

Cold Dead Hand with Jim Carrey from Jim Carrey

In case you couldn’t stomach watching the video, it mocks Charlton Heston and gun owners, natch.

Tolerance! But Carrey is so much Smarter Than You, you see. And, you know, cowardly.

Some of the lyrics:

‘It takes a cold dead hand to decide to pull the trigger. It takes a cold dead heart, and as near as I can figure, with your cold dead aim, you’re trying to prove your [blank] is bigger. But we know: Your chariot may not be swingin’ low.

It also talks about how Charlton Heston couldn’t get to heaven because the angels couldn’t pry his gun out of his cold dead hand.

Classy.

As we reported, Jim Carrey announced the release of this song, ‘Cold Dead Hand’ by proclaiming it was for “heartless mothef**kers” who are “unwilling to bend for the safety of our kids.” Promoting oneself by exploiting tragedies? Totally not heartless, according to the “Dumb and Dumber” (emphasis on dumber) star.

Hypocrisy? No big whoop!

Carrey continued to pimp the song and video via Twitter all last night, while exposing his own hypocrisy.

A fan weighs in, after Carrey whined.

Believe in freedom and the Second Amendment? You don’t count. You are an “other,” you see.

The sane had a different take:

Indeed. There are other questions that remain unanswered, though. As Dana Loesch asked, “will you denounce your violence-glorifying film ‘Kick Ass 2′, Mr. Carrey?” Answer the question, Jim.

Update: He just can’t seem to help himself. The jackass is strong with this one.

Update: Greg Gutfeld slams.

Click here to see more of Gutfeld’s brilliant smackdown.

Update: You can now buy the song on iTunes. That’s right. For purchase: More profiting off of tragedy, Jim? No word yet if all proceeds go to charity.

And, a rough transcript of ‘Cold Dead Hand’ for those who can’t stomach the video. It is hurl-worthy:
MAN 1: Why did the ventriloquist quit drinking?

MAN 2:  Cause he acted like a real dummy.

HOST: Well hi-oh and howdy fine folks; welcome back to “Hee Haw.” We want to thank our special guest Charlton Heston (Jim Carrey) for joining us.

JIM CARREY (AS HESTON): Walter, It’s an absolute pleasure to be here in this site of God on “Hee Haw,” but who would be laughing if it weren’t for the patriots who answer the call of freedom …

HOST: Well I….

JIM CARREY (AS HESTON): The aliens, they would exploit our every weakness and suck the brains out of every living soul. They’d be laughing, but not like you and me. They’d go: [makes alien noises]

HOST: Well, we wanna leave you with the sweet as molasses sounds of a band I’m sure you’re all gonna like. Hens and roosters, lend an ear to Lonesome Earl and the Clutterbusters.

[Music begins].

JIM CARREY (AS EARL): Some folks ride like the wind
when the whisping pines do guide them,
and the burning light inside them
leaves them warm in the snow.

Others fear the sounds they hear,
make banditos out of mole hills,
fill their hearts with porcupine quills;
they’re dead and buried long before they go.

Charlton Heston movies are no longer in demand,
and his immortal soul may lay forever in the sand.
The angels wouldn’t take him up to heaven like he planned
’cause they couldn’t pry that gun from his cold dead hand.

JIM CARREY (AS HESTON): What did he say.

JIM CARREY (AS EARL): It takes a cold dead hand to decide to pull the trigger.
takes a cold dead heart, and as near as I can figure
with your cold dead aim you’re trying to prove your dick is bigger,
but we know: your chariot may not be swingin’ low.

Cold dead hand, cold dead hand
Cold dead hand, cold dead hand
You’re a big dick man with a little bitty gland
so you need something bigger just to fill your cold dead hand

JIM CARREY (AS HESTON): They’re making fun of everything I hold dear

JIM CARREY (AS EARL): Imagine if the Lord were here
and he knew what you’ve been thinkin’
would his sacred heart be sinkin’
into the canyon of dismay?

And on the ones who sell the guns
he’d stick the vultures and coyotes.
Only the devil’s true devotees
could profiteer from pain and fear.

Charlton Heston movies are no longer in demand,
and his immortal soul may lay forever in the sand.
The angels wouldn’t take him up to heaven like he planned
’cause they couldn’t pry that gun from his cold dead hand.

It takes a cold dead hand to decide to pull the trigger.
takes a cold dead heart, and as near as I can figure
with your cold dead aim you’re trying to prove your dick is bigger,
but we know: your chariot may not be swingin’ low.

JIM CARREY (AS ELLIOT): Hi, I’m Clearly Sam Elliot. Pay attention now braves, this boy’s got something to say, budding social satire; you couldn’t stand smooth. Enjoy the show. I’m a watch that sunset.

JIM CARREY (AS EARL): Cold dead hand, cold dead hand
Cold dead hand, cold dead hand
You’re a big dick man with a little bitty gland
so you need something bigger with a hairpin trigger.
You don’t wanna get caught with your trousers down
when a psycho killer comes around
So you make your home like a thunderdome
and you’re always packing everywhere you roam
but the psychos will no matter what you do
they’re gonna buy way more guns than you
And while you’re stumblin’ now to bed
They put five rounds in the back of your hair
and you get depressed [inaudible at ~5:00]
and you put your own shotgun in your mouth
And your kids walk in and they find you there
Like a headless lump in your underwear
And they move the gun and it kills them too
And your wife just doesn’t know what to do
So she takes a hand grenade from her shoe
And she pulls the pin

And it’s all on you, and your cold dead hand

[shotgun blast]

GIRL 1: Well what in the heck was that?

JIM CARREY (AS HESTON): I accidentally shot my foot off.

GIRL 2: Awww shoot. [crowd laughter]

Laughter. Unreal.

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