Want to work in the Taliban’s new office? Just follow these simple rules

https://twitter.com/sunnyright/status/289820813153140736

As Twitchy reported, President Obama and Afghan President Hamid Karzai have decided that the Taliban deserve an “office” in Doha, Qatar. And knowing how strict the Taliban can be, it’s important for future staff to be clear on the rules. Fortunately, some intrepid Twitterers managed to get a hold of the HR manual. Grab your tablets and chisels and copy all this down:

https://twitter.com/ExJon/status/289820396881068032

https://twitter.com/CuffyMeh/status/289821177134858240

https://twitter.com/redsteeze/status/289830123883069440

https://twitter.com/sunnyright/status/289821739049971712

https://twitter.com/NathanWurtzel/status/289821896307011584

https://twitter.com/bradcundiff/status/289822282132619264

https://twitter.com/drlecter79/status/289825446391083008

https://twitter.com/ExJon/status/289822322297278464

https://twitter.com/jess_reign_bass/status/289825290862096385

https://twitter.com/redsteeze/status/289826876292227072

https://twitter.com/VStrom_John/status/289825474786496512

https://twitter.com/GPollowitz/status/289824979057528833

https://twitter.com/Doc_0/status/289822463058141184

https://twitter.com/Red__Rover/status/289823799136882688

https://twitter.com/Galynjen/status/289823466214010880

https://twitter.com/hale_razor/status/289822843447943168

https://twitter.com/ExJon/status/289824800241745920

https://twitter.com/iamjasond/status/289825610979766272

https://twitter.com/PruPaine/status/289829185512411136

https://twitter.com/bradcundiff/status/289823455124275200

https://twitter.com/KJHondo/status/289825359187300353

https://twitter.com/Doc_0/status/289822676418170880

https://twitter.com/jess_reign_bass/status/289827465759686656

https://twitter.com/Babuga/status/289829146106945536

https://twitter.com/CuffyMeh/status/289828447151333378

https://twitter.com/ExJon/status/289827741040275456

It’s a lot to take in, but with careful attention to detail and good memorization techniques, you could be well on your way to a plum job with the most dynamic company this side of the 11th century!

Just don’t forget to make out your will first.

  • GoSellCrazySomeplaceElse

    First question on employment application. When was your last jihad? Date and Sun Dial Direction.

  • http://www.facebook.com/lisa.dean.564 Lisa Dean

    #TalibanOfficeRules Public beatings of women are at 1300 sharp.

    • R0nin

      Those arriving late shall have their pay docked. Females arriving late shall be stoned.

  • http://twitter.com/thetugboatphil TugboatPhil

    #TalibanOfficeRules – Friday’s dress code is Casual Bomb Vests.

  • SpinMeNot

    #TalibanOfficeRules Beating your secretary is allowed; however the severity of the beating must be relative to the severity of the mistake. You may have up to four secretaries assuming you can afford to pay them, and beat them equally. Your secretaries must be at least 9 years of age.

  • Steve_J

    All those applying for postion of suicide bomber must first demonstrate a practical application of your technique.

  • Lord Foggybottom

    The Bat Phone

    The Bat Phone is that red, rotary phone (you know, that new kind, with the dial and the hole for your fingers) over by Jerry’s office. It is a direct line to Washington D.C. These are the rules covering the Bat Phone.

    1. When the Bat Phone rings, you answer it.
    2. The Bat Phone is not to be used for inter-cave communications; that’s not why it’s called the Bat Phone.
    3. When answering the Bat Phone, always say (in a cheery voice): Allahu Obama! or Allahu Barackbar! (that’s his favorite),
    4. The Bat Phone is not to be used for ordering hookers and opium. Or goats.
    5. If Mr. Obama calls directly, he prefers that you speak to him in Arabic.

    #TalibanOfficeRules

  • walterc

    Raping of the female staff is strictly prohibited. It’s too difficult to train a replacement.

  • http://twitter.com/Hermosafish Ferducci

    Yeah, I’ll need you to go ahead and come in on Sunday too. We have to catch up on dead civilians beaten women.

  • http://twitter.com/Hermosafish Ferducci

    Yeah, It’s Bill Lumberg, if your there I just want to let you know we start killing at the regular time on Saturday. It’s not a half day or anything like that.

  • http://twitter.com/Hermosafish Ferducci

    How to kill friends and influence media.

  • Adela Wagner

    #TalibanOfficeRules Due to desiring a professional atmosphere at all times, we will not be implementing “Casual Burka Fridays”.