Attention Oregon ladies: Craigslist has got a man for you!

We recommend you read the entire ad, but since it’s about the length of an amateur romance novel (and at least as disturbing), we picked out some choice excerpts for you.

I am a firm believer that both men and women have ‘roles’ in this world. I think men are the ones who should work, provide for their families, and protect the woman they are with. I think women should help tend to the house, raise the children, and do other things along those lines. I do not like the whole modern day ‘independent woman’ mentality because personally I don’t want to be an ‘independent man’, I want a woman by my side and wouldn’t have it any other way.

Every morning we would wake up, shower together, and do everything together including going to the gym, grocery shopping, etc. We’d plan the perfect wedding (hopefully on a beach in Maui!) and she’d do sweet things like cook for us in the kitchen so I could sneak up behind her, wrap my arms around her waist, pull her body closely against mine and trace soft little kisses from her shoulder blade up to her neck and then to her ear where I would whisper how much I love her and how much she means to me as I kiss the side of her neck and hold her so close from behind.

We would hold hands everywhere we went (even in the car!) and give each other endless amounts of PDA and affection. I would choose her over my friends because to me she would be my best friend and more. I would need her like I need air to breathe … I want a girl who will ALWAYS make me a first priority and never leave me to spend a night alone by myself.

DISCLAIMER: Of course I come with a disclaimer! I must warn you, aside from my hopeless romantic side I also have a very kinky/naughty side. I very much enjoy sex (especially when it’s with someone I love) and I consider myself very adventurous and kinky in the bedroom (it is a form of affection after all). I feel that an amazing sex life is part of the foundation for a lasting relationship. I ALSO HAVE A HUGE FETISH FOR DOUBLE PENETRATION OR ‘DP’ for short. Part of DP obviously includes anal sex, as well as involving another guy. I’ve found some womans are REALLY into it, while other womans aren’t. If you aren’t into every aspect of DP, or you’re prude, boring, or vanilla in the bedroom, I promise I am not the guy for you. I realize this is very blunt and forward of me to put out there, and probably even makes me come across as an ass, but honestly, I am simply tired of getting stuck in relationships with really boring sex, that’s all. I want someone who has the same ‘fetish’ as me.

All right, womans! Better snap this prize up before he’s off the market!

Gotta love the internets.

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