I love you like a fat politician loves fake.
—
Jamie Capria (@MrFornicator) March 09, 2012WARNING: These tweets are hilarious, but do contain some very naughty language.
Fuck you, jeans with small back pockets that make my ass look huge.—
molly (@Molly_Kats) March 09, 2012
If you're gonna jerk off to internet porn, don't be a pig. Wipe down the keyboard for the next guy at the library.—
Clarke Kant (@clarkekant) March 09, 2012
You go to strip clubs and cheat on your wife but you won't eat meat on Friday's? God bless you too.—
Verifried Drunk™®© (@VerifiedDrunk) March 09, 2012
The 'Family Size' bag of Doritos is probably the meanest way to taunt an orphan in a grocery store.—
Damien Fahey (@DamienFahey) March 09, 2012
I'm starting to think this bra I'm wearing ended up in the lost and found for a reason.—
Jocelyn Plums (@FilthyRichmond) March 09, 2012
I want to be as annoying as a vegetarian but still eat meat so I'm telling people I only eat chicken. I'm calling myself a "poultrivore".—
Buck (@buck4itt) March 09, 2012
I'm having a "Bad penis day".—
Julius Sharpe (@juliussharpe) March 09, 2012
My toys aren't meant for children. #sluttygirlproblems—
Slutty Girl Problems (@sluttygrlprobs) March 09, 2012
This tweet is so 27 seconds ago.—
Steve Carrell (@SteveCareII) March 09, 2012